My Sweet Pup
by FanFreak2002
Summary: Indra had been begging her husband, Negan, for a puppy for about as long as she's been at the Sanctuary. And finally, he says he found her one, except it's not quite as she expected. Set in S7.
1. Unexpected

My Sweet Pup - Pt. 1

[This is originally posted on my tumblr and Ao3 but decided to adhere to the rules on FF and post it here too! Thanks! I chose Indra as the name because it mean – 'possessing drops of rain.' I thought with the situation in the season that thirst for relief was there as a man would be for water if he were left in the desert.]

Indra couldn't think of what Negan could want. He never asked for her until lunchtime, except for the times when he came by her room himself. Remembering how recent Sherry's negative pregnancy test she knew he was still sore about it. He wanted to be a father so badly, and she did want a child with him. But the way she always saw it, shouldn't you maybe start off with a pet first? Start out small and see if it would thrive? With the sanctuary being made of nothing but metal, gravel, and dirt it didn't seem like the most ideal place to raise a family.

But the two of them had reached a compromise, that regardless of what happened, she swore she'd try to bear him a child if he gave her a dog first. Nine months seemed like a decent amount of time to make sure she kept the creature alive and loved, and give her some view of what kind of parent she would be. And, perhaps, by that time maybe the dog would be used to everything and become protective of his owners.

Indra smiled, hopefully he'd be protective of the baby when it came. She could picture the dog nuzzling the baby when it started to cry making the baby smile. It was as close to a white picket fence as she could get nowadays. The bad news was that after the Turn dogs seemed more elusive than unicorns now, becoming so far and few as the domesticated died out and others becoming wild and fearful of people.

"Indra."

She glanced up, letting her thoughts be broken as she gave a cheerful smile.

"Good morning, Dwight. How are you this morning?"

Dwight shuffled, breaking eye contact to look down the hall. This happened with most of the men. Maybe it was all the testosterone, but her natural sunny disposition put them off. Perhaps that's what drew her to Negan; no matter how ugly the world got, or the ugly things that happened to her, she would still look for the good in everything. The men never really questioned it, but some of the women were fine with letting her know how childish her views could be. That Indracouldn't see the monster lurking nearby.

Dwight twisted his gun in thought. "I'm all right. Boss is in there waiting for you."

"I know, but do you know what it's about?"

He shrugged a shoulder. "Didn't hear it from me, but I think he got you a surprise."

She bounced up and down at that, throwing her arms around Dwight. She could feel him stiffen, but when she pulled away saw the small smile on his face. She was glad to see it. Indra knew bits and pieces of what happened to him - of what happened to his face. And as a result he had become much more sullen and reclusive than before. Thanking him for opening the door she walked in to find her husband disciplining a man kneeled before him.

"I ask for so little and what do I get in return? Fucking slackers! You know what slacking fucking gets you? Dead! And if you don't die out there then I'll sure as hell make sure you die in here. We clear?"

"Y-yes sir, Negan."

"Good, now get the hell out of here before I decide to use the iron."

She felt the man brush past her, hearing him choke back a sob in passing.

"There's my sunshine! I've been waiting for you."

Indra's smile came back as she heard her nickname, walking over and taking his outstretched hand. He raised the hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles lightly. She was glad that the threatening look was replaced with one of giddy delight.

"Sorry you had to hear that, but you know what happens when we don't keep things in line."

"It all goes to hell."

"That's my girl."

Grinning, she let him pull her against him, before he cupped her cheek.

"I was told you needed to speak to me about something."

"I do, I do, I - hey why don't you get the fuck out of here? I'm trying to talk to my fucking wife."

She cringed, watching as the guard retreated outside the door.

"Negan you know how I feel when you curse like that."

"I know, I'm sorry, but the only way to get anything through these thick skulls is to get vulgar with them. But not you, right, sunshine girl?"

She giggled. "Right."

He grinned in response, kissing her nose. "That's what I like to hear, now if I recall, we had ourselves a little agreement. Something along the lines of if I brought you a flea bag then we start some baby making."

"Well, the way I remember it, it was phrased a little better, but yes, I did agree to that."

Negan stomped his foot, happiness written on his features, crouching down to her height.

"Awesome, well, I got something for you, babydoll. I'm going to tell you right now, I'm sorry he's a mutt. Bring him in Logan."

She clasped her hands together, smiling wide. "Oh Negan, I don't care what he is, only -"

She trailed off, the smile sliding from her face. What was being brought in was not a dog, not by a long shot. It was a man and from the looks of the chains around him was one of the men from the prison cells.

"So darling, what do ya think?"

"Um, my first thought is that he's not a dog."

"Oh, yes, he is. He's going to do everything a dog does and then some. Darling, sunshine, I know how much you wanted an actual dog, one that's obviously going to be better trained, but this is all we got. But if you don't want him -"

He untucked Lucille from his shoulder, tracing it around the man's feet.

"We could always put him to sleep."

Before he could pick up the bat, she stopped him. "No, no, he's fine. It'll just take a little getting used to."

"Of course. But I know you can take care of him. As long as I'm the only one that licks your face."

Snorting at her husband Indra turned and studied the man with his long, stringy hair and intense blue eyes. He had been beaten, and was in desperate need of a bath. Honestly besides of few glances outside she had never seen a prisoner up close. And even though he must have done something to end up in there, it still tugged at her to see someone like this.

Licking her lips, she asked the man. "What's your name?"

The man looked at her, somewhat startled at being addressed, and began to open his mouth. Only to have Negan grasped the chain and yank, the man's neck jerking in an awkward way.

"Bad boy, dogs do NOT speak."

"Negan, please don't do that."

"Sorry, sunshine, but he's got to learn. You got to teach him to mind. He's yours now, name him whatever you want."

"But what's his actual name?"

Negan pursed his lips. "Daryl. So now that you've been acquainted why not take him for a walk. With Dwight to accompany you of course to make sure doggy here obeys."

Negan passed Indra the clunky chain, and she held it, unsure. "Negan, I -"

She knew he was losing patience by the way his jaw set. Though she knew he wouldn't really do anything but yell, there were men in the room and he didn't like to be contested with any of his soldiers around. So she sighed in defeat, resigning to giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Negan."

He beamed. "You are very welcome, darling. Now go have fun, and remember mutt, I've got eyes everywhere. You hurt my woman in any way and You're going to be put down."

Pursing her lips she turned to the man. "I guess we should be going then, Daryl."

Leading the way, she held Sher breath as She heard the heavy feet beginning to shuffle behind her.


	2. Acting Out

"So what, you're not going to talk to me now?"

Indra leered at Dwight who was ahead of her. "I don't see why I should; you let me go in there and look like an idiot."

"I did not –"

"You knew! You knew what Negan was going to do when I went in. You could have given me a head's up. Like 'Oh, Indra the surprise you're thinking isn't exactly it.' Or at least not have looked so darn enthused about it. My God, he's a human being and you passed him off like secondhand clothes, did you even tell him anything?"

"He's a prisoner we don't have to tell him shit."

"What's he a prisoner for then?"

Dwight appeared dumbfounded for a second before recovering a scowl. "Why?"

"Because I'm kind of hoping it's nothing too bad, I don't think Negan would hand off a murderer or a rapist to me."

Her shoulders slackened as soon as the words left her mouth.

"I'm sorry we're talking like you're not here."

All she got in reply was a grunt.

"Look, I know what Negan said. But you can talk when he's not around –"

"The hell he can! You heard the orders."

"I heard that he was mine now, and I say he can talk if he wants to. Now since you never answered whether or not he's dangerous I'll take the latter and chance it, so why don't you go to the repertory and get him some better clothes. I know I have plenty of points for it."

"I ain't doing that, he's a goddamn prisoner."

She flinched at the word and Dwight sucked his lip in remorse.

"Fine, you probably wouldn't get him his size anyways, we'll go and you go get Carson and ask if he'll meet in my room in an hour."

Dwight eyed her. "You sick again?"

"No, look at him, he's been beaten half to death."

"Doc's already looked at him."

"Did he treat him?"

"What?"

"Did he give him something for infection, check for internal bleeding, the very least get him some salve for his wounds?"

"He don't need all that."

"Regardless, I want the doctor to look at him again. Come on, Dwight, it won't be that hard. No one would think twice about it if Carson comes to my room."

"I know, but –"

"Please."

"Fine, but if the Boss finds out about this –"

"Then I'll take the heat."

She could tell he wasn't happy about it, but she was glad he went. Dwight had a bigger heart than he showed, and though he wanted to please Negan, he usually wanted to do the right thing more. But now that left her alone with a prisoner, and her heart thudded in the realization. But like she said Negan wouldn't have given you someone malicious, and he didn't seem that volatile to her.

"Do you have a favorite color?"

When she didn't receive a reply and Indra blushed. Either he was too afraid or he didn't trust her. But it was a better chance of it being both.

"I think blue to match your eyes, I don't know about jeans though; if you're wounded there the denim could rub it raw or break the sore back open."

Still no reply, that was okay. She was used to this, well, not quite. But she grew up with loneliness, and had her ways to combat it. Having conversations with herself had been one of them. At least now she had a pair of ears to listen when the urge struck. Rummaging through the bins Indra tried to find a shirt that would be comfortable and easy to move in for him. He watched as she lifted each one across his chest, estimating the length, his gauge jarring.

"What do you think of this one?"

He only stared, his gaze slitting as he calculated her motive, when his stare broke he only shrugged.

"I think it will be loose enough to not agitate anything, and the color looks nice on you. Do you…I need to know your pant size. I'd like to get you some slacks so you can look or you can tell me, I'll also need your shoe size too."

This man was a man of looks and each one made her fumble. It was like he was trying to cut through her, see something beyond but she didn't know what. He brushed past, but not too far so the chain wouldn't pull and lifted a pair of slacks out of a bin. Twisting around he went to the adjoining bins and pulled out a pair of sneakers.

"Thanks, so socks, and then we can go."

He snorted at the gratitude, brushing his hair from his face.

"I could cut your hair if you want, it want be salon quality but I can make it even."

"Nah."

It was gruff, like steel gliding on sand the sound making her glance over her shoulder. "So you can talk. I'm glad, Daryl. We won't cut it then. Come on, let's get out of here so you can have a bath. If you want one I mean."

Entering your room, she eased him on a seat and looked him over. She was kind of happy that her stare appeared to have the same effect on him as he wriggled in the seat.

"He didn't give me a key, but I'm going to try to get this thing off you neck. You just got to be a little patient with me."

"Why?"

The voice startled you again, but she picked herself up quicker this time. "I haven't picked a lock in a few years so it may take me a little while."

"No, why're ya takin' it off?"

"Because it doesn't look very comfortable, is it?"

He turned away before giving a small shake of the head. "I didn't think so."

"Still a prisoner, aren't ya scared?"

"No, not really. Are you saying I should be? W-what did you do?"

He didn't reply to that, only watched as shebent a bobby pin and found the main chain.

"D-did you rape somebody?"

He lurched up, making Indra tumble on her back as he towered over her. "The fuck I did, I'm not some monster like ya'll are."

Between the cursing and switch in demeanor had her whimpering, huddling herself in a ball before daring to make eye contact again. He seemed surprised by the reaction, sitting down when he saw herlip quivering.

"I didn't mean to scare ya. Wasn't gonna do nothing."

"It's okay, I'm just not good with many outbursts. I don't know what you did to be here, but you're here with me now, and I'm not going to let you be treated like gutter trash, okay? The other stuff…we'll just forget about it for now."

She watched him clenching his teeth, but he nodded. Not long after she was able to click the stubborn lock open, letting the chains clank to the floor.

"Do you want a bath? I'd like to soak your feet if you're willing to do that."

They were the worst she seen so far on him, bruised, battered, open sores leaking where he had been working on the fence and dodging the undead. Indra had no idea why Negan had put that up for, he said it was so the prisoners could get adequate exercise but she had heard the sarcasm dripping when he said it.

"I don't think I can do it."

"I'll run it for you."

"Can't bend."

"I'll help you, I won't look or do anything you don't want me to. But we really need to clean you off, especially if we're going to get you better."

Paying more attention now she saw how much it hurt him to move about, and settling him on the commode he winced as he lowered himself.

"Let's get the shirt first. I could just cut it off, if you don't care that way you won't strain too much."

"Don't matter to me none."

She got the quilting shears, praying they were still sharp enough to cut through the heavy fabric. It was hard to not to blanch when her hand touched the sweatshirt. It was so grimy, layers of dirt and sweating eating away at the cotton and making it permanently damp. She could smell the days he had spent down in the cell. This seemed extensive, even for a criminal. Clipping the arms away she tossed the shirt in the trash, seeing the hole in his shoulder.

"Oh, my God."

It was a bullet wound for sure, and getting infected, the creamy white pus starting to surface.

"It shot through."

And looking at him from behind he was correct, each wound bubbling with a germy crust.

"We have to get those cleaned out."

"Hmmph."

Cutting through his pants she smirked, now he was back to making noises, though she understood since Indra was only stating the obvious to him. You turned to the tub and let the tap run, making the water to the highest warmth it would go before it was on the border of being too hot. He had begun to stand then, the pants falling and she flushed when you saw he hadn't had underpants on. Standing as quickly as she could helped him over, nearly falling in the process and got him in the water. She could see instant relief come over him.

"Want me to wash your hair first?"

He shrugged, and she had no idea how he did that with a hole in him.

Getting a cup she began scooping water, tilting his head back to before pouring. His eyes were still open, staring at her.

"Am I making you uncomfortable, Daryl?"

He shook his head, the long strands splashing drops of water on you. Indra giggled at that, wiping a few from her face.

"I have coconut or sage shampoo, you pick."

"Don't matter."

"Sure it does, I guess sage would be good, a little woodsy."

He grunted as she squeezed some into her palm slicking it into his scalp. Taking her time she let her fingers course through in case there were any sores on his head. From what she could tell he was enjoying it, and once rinsed she watched the dirt run off and turn the water brown. It took almost an hour to get him clean after that, soaking rags in antibacterial soap and hot water and draping it on his feet and shoulder.

"Does everything fit okay?"

He was still in the bathroom dressing, as you waited on your bed for him to come out. He didn't answer, but if she could see through walls then there would've probably seen a shrug. A knock on the door caught her attention and Indra scuttled to open it. Seeing Dr. Carson's weathered face eased a smile on her face.

"Is everything all right, are you having trouble breathing again?"

She ducked her head in embarrassment. It was something she tried to outrun, but it followed. She was stuck with the title of 'the poor sick girl' of the bunch. No matter what she did and tried to prove otherwise it followed. It didn't help that Negan made sure she hardly did anything, keeping eyes out and reporting to him if they thought she were doing something strenuous.

"No, no it's not me, my new friend is in kind of bad shape."

Dr. Carson stared at her curiously. "New friend?"

Dwight called out behind him. "Daryl, the prisoner in cell A."

"Oh, my, does Negan –"

"He's the one that acquainted us; I only wanted to make sure he has everything he needs to heal. The shot in his shoulder has a bit of pus in it and I wanted to know what to do about it."

Letting the men through the door she sat back down on the bed.

"So where is he?"

Indra pointed to your bathroom door. "He's changing his clothes but…"  
Perhaps it was a bad idea to have him dress. She mentally hit herself. Now he was going to hurt himself pulling the clothing back off. She knocked on the door.

"Daryl, can Dr. Carson take a look at you?"

The door cracked the doctor looking back at her before slipping in, Dwight not far behind him. She waited anxiously on your bed, hearing murmurs through the door. Not too long after you heard something slam, then yelling, before Dr. Carson ran out of the room.

"What happened?"

"He had one of your razors on him, sliced a good bit out of Dwight."

"Are they okay?"

"We're fine, aren't we Daryl?"

There was no reply as they exited the bathroom. There was a good bit of blood running down Dwight's arm, the cut long and jagged. Daryl's eye had been bruised the black already surfacing.

"Why'd you do that Daryl?"

It was a whisper. His eyes wouldn't meet hers as Dwight took him by the scruff of his neck directing him out of the room.

"Where are you taking him?"

"Back to his cell, I think doggy's had enough playtime today."

Indra's and Daryl's eyes met as he was dragged out the door, and she couldn't help but be crestfallen from the situation. You didn't know hide or tell of this man, shouldn't even matter. But she felt like something was wrong, off in a way. He had been fine with her, it wasn't until Dwight had come back that he shifted and lashed out. Picking of the discarded shirt decided to wait until it was clear and take it down to the cells. That was the reason she picked anyways.

She knew where they were, but there had never been a reason to be down there. And now, she was kind of glad of that. It was vast, and empty, each footfall echoing off the concrete walls. It also smelt, urine, sweat, and something underlying dirt and blood. As she went further in looked for an A yells and moans could be heard through the block. Reaching the other end of the hall she found your destination wondering if she should knock or not. Shaking her head of the idea twisted the knob.

 _You dummy, of course it's locked._

Glad to have a bobby pin, she went to work. Two locks in one day in how many years?

Clicking the door and swinging it open saw him huddled in the corner of the room. He stared at her in shocked awe before sitting a little straighter.

"I guess if you wanted you could get by me right now. But I thought you'd like a shirt down here."

"So ya risked getting caught to bring me a damned shirt?"

"Yeah…Why'd you do it, Daryl? Couldn't it have waited until after you were looked at?"

"Ya wouldn't understand."

"You could try to help me to."

He decided to stare at the wall, remaining quiet.

"I'll head up to my room, then, unless you need something else before I go."

He snorted, shaking his head.

She made to stand and close the door.

"Why're you here?"

"What?"

The way he was looking, each time a study, but she wasn't sure sure what he was asking.

"Here! With that prick, with these assholes!"

Indra closed her eyes at the words and tone. "I - Because this is my home."

"If ya actually believe this is a home then we're both fucked."

With that she slowly closed the door.


	3. No Picnic

"That had to be the best yet, sunshine, give me a few minutes and we'll see if we can make it even better."

Negan gave Indra a lazy grin, and making her laugh breathlessly, letting her hand flop into his face, batting him on the nose. She had no idea what time it was, being in an apocalypse time was irrelevant usually, but she knew that the both of them had spent most of the day in his bed. It had been like this for a few weeks now, and she was enjoying it, though he had yet produced the results the both of them were after. His wives hardly ever slept in his bed with him, yet she seemed to have been the exception to the rule. She knew on some level he had a soft spot for her as she did for him. Yet it was different, yes, Negan loved to flirt with anything female but it hadn't been that way with Indra.

There had been general teasing in his passing and a few jokes when he spotted her alone. He said he loved her smile, and even without the compliment she usually did so with him around. Even as vulgar as he was he tried to restrain it when he came to her. It was if he knew her timid nature. But of course being her own personal savior, he would know. Finding her with those…people. He found her naked, beaten, and doused in walker guts, howling in pain in the center of the town's circle. She had been fine before, surviving as best she could, then they found her, and deeming her weak were allowed to do as they pleased before she was killed for her worthlessness. Perhaps it was true, but Negan didn't see it that way. He said everyone had a role, each one destined for us, and that Indra was meant to make things a little brighter.

He always said things like that, kind smiles and kind words. In time though jealousy bubbled towards his wives, they were good people, some good friends, and it wasn't the fact they were with him that bothered her it was how much time they got with him. And due to him finding her in such trauma knew he'd never come to her, probably, like so many others in her life, didn't even want her but despite the fear of rejection went to him.

To say he was surprised was an understatement. But, in her meek way, had told him her qualms and said she'd still do her jobs if he wanted. If she could be with him, have his time. The surprise was lingering and Indra found out later many didn't want his time, not the way she wanted, and when he gained his composure back, the cockiness back in place he told her that he didn't want her dealing with all that shit to begin with.

She smiled, hugging him, startling him. He wasn't used to affection from his wives, usually didn't want it, but as before, he knew, he knew it was something she craved. Whereas, the sex was something she was introduced to in an awful way, yet, she knew it was what he craved. And though Indra contemplated leaving that up to the other wives, she went to him and it was odd to see such an imposing man look so uncertain. But with her coaxing he took her back in there, his own personal sanctuary and had Indra in the gentlest way he could. Letting her stay that night and all the nights he came for her. Yes, it was rule he sleep alone, but he admitted she were the first to approach him – to be his wife, his lover, and that had earned a great deal of trust something he hardly gave over completely.

Then she had gotten sick, and she was scared he would turn her away, instead he sheltered her to him even more. On a morning like this she had found him on the edge of his bed, cradling his bat – Lucille. He looked broken then, sitting there staring at it like it would tell him the secrets of the world. He saw her looking giving a sad smile. It was then he had told Indra about her, Lucille, the real one, the human one. A wife from another lifetime, a woman who took his shit when he cheated on her, who stood by him no matter what, a woman that died in a hospital bed and came back to kill him.

"I was the biggest piece of shit and she was the one to suffer, in more ways than one. She deserved to kill me, should have."

But she didn't and he couldn't kill her, he had asked someone else to, and it broke him. This world broke that man and turned him into something else. But that old Negan shined through with her, the repentant one, and she didn't need to see anything else.

"I'm not going to let it happen to you, sunshine. Even if I have to take out everyone on this fucking earth I'll do whatever it takes to keep you here."

Indra knew it wasn't that simple, or possible. But she let him think so; she'd stay as long as there was breath in her to exhale.

"I say we take ourselves a damn shower, get something to eat, and start back where we left off."

She let herself glance at him, he sporting a toothy grin, when she rolled over burying your face into his chest, the hair tickling her skin making her giggle softly.

"I think that sounds like a good idea, I'm getting kind of hungry. But I'm sure you can find another way to fill me up when we get back."

Negan cocked a brow at that. "Oh, my little sunshine can have such a dirty mouth when she wants to."

He pulled her up so you were straddling his waist and true to his word could feel him pulsating on her back.

"I love when that sweet little mouth does naughty things."

"Only for you."

His grip tightened as he sucked on her neck. "Only fucking me."

He was grinding against her back, making her whimper feeling empty. She could feel the teeth of his grin on her pulse point.

"One more before we go?"

She nodded eagerly, placing her hands on the headboard so he could guide himself in.

BANGBANGBANG

She could feel his anger coursing from that sound.

"Who the fuck is it?"

"It's Gary, sir, we need the inventory lists for the run today."

She fell back on the bed, Negan cursing as he put on the pants from last night.

He wrenched the door open enough so her were still obscured from the visitor's vision.

"The fuck is this? We're not going on a fucking run today. Where's Simon?"

"But sir, you said so, the night before last, you wanted to head to Alexandria and perhaps the Hilltop."

"Well, maybe I fucking changed my mind. And if I don't go on the run no one goes."

Indra could hear the panic in Gary's voice. "S-so do you want me to tell the drivers to stand down?"

"Fuck, no, you tell them to delay for twenty goddamn minutes and I'll be out, time to go see what slick Rick has brought us."

"Yessir."

She could hear the paces get further away. She was kind of glad, the cursing starting to make you anxious.

"And get fucking Simon, he's the one with the fucking inventory sheets. Damn dumbass."

Indra watched her husband close the door, running a finger through his hair. She pretended to pout.

"No breakfast in bed, huh?"

"Not today, darlin'. You know the fools can't do shit without me there. What about you, you need anything while I'm out?"

She shrugged. "I got everything I need."

Negan pursed his lips at that. She knew what he was thinking; there was plenty she needed, but no way to get it.

"Anything you want? Come on, anything your heart desires?"

Indra leant back, tilting her head on the pillow, smiling while taking his hand. "Remember when you brought me here?"

He looked surprised by the question. "Of course I do, that's the day this shithole finally got a little sunshine in it."

She blushed at his endearment, leaning back up to rest her head on his shoulder. "You let me decorate for Christmas that year. A few stockings and a tree but it meant a lot."

"You want another tree, darlin'? I'll cut down a whole fucking forest for you."

She smiled at the sentiment, coughs overtaking her before she could respond. For a flash of a second she saw that fear in his eyes as he ran a thumb across her forehead. "Just a star, one of those tree toppers if you can find one. I don't want it to be like before, I knew it took too much time and wasted the time when the men could've found real resources but if something like that catches your eye maybe you could get it. Just something I can look at."

Negan stroked his fingers through his beard, musing. "What happened to all that stuff in the first place?"

She pretended to scoff. "You don't remember? You and the men burned it all to ring in the New Year."

"I'm sorry, sunshine."

She shook her head smiling. "Don't be, everyone had a good day with it."

Her smile turned serious, tenderly slicking his hair back for him. "These are the people who took out the satellite post, aren't they?"

Negan licked his lips. "They are, how do you know that?"

"Word gets around, I won't say I grieved for any of them. I know you send the worst ones from here to different posts. But Negan…these people seem dangerous. I just - I want you to be careful."

Placing his leather clad palm on her neck, she sighed into the buttery texture. "Ain't nothing going to happen darlin'. You just get yourself to the doc and get some rest, okay?"

"I will."

"Good, and if you get lonely or nervous you got your mutt to play with."

"Hmmm."

She watched him throw on his boots, and let him kiss her forehead.

"Negan?"

"Yeah, darlin'?"

"You brightened my world too that day."

And it was these times she was glad she could throw him off kilter.

Indra showered letting herself lavish in the hot water, usually she went as quick as you could but with her body so exhausted in good and bad ways she didn't hurry. Straightening up the bedroom before she dressed she took one last sweep around the room and made sure everything was in place before locking the door behind her. She wasn't sure what she'd do today besides see Carson. She felt bad for the man, he probably saw her more than any of the others put together, and she only kept coming back. Knocking on the door she waited for the jovial greeting before she entered.

"Indra, how are you today dear? It's too early for another pregnancy test. Are you having other symptoms?"

She flushed. "Uh, I'm afraid so."

"Name them off."

"Some coughing, fatigue and my eyes are hurting again."

He motioned to a chair. "Come and sit and let me look at you."

"I'm sorry to keep coming in."

"Don't be, this is my job, and though I hate to see you ill it's better seeing you than patching up broken bones and gunshot wounds due to fighting."

"Yeah, they can be a rowdy bunch."

Carson chuckled sardonically, placing his stethoscope under her shirt. "Breathe deeply for me."

She felt that familiar lump in her chest winding up and by the third inhale started coughing again.

"Okay, easy, has you cough anything up? Phlegm? Blood?"

She shook her head, no, no blood. Thank God.

"Any digestion problems?"

"No, I have an appetite."

"You eat something and it upsets you come back to me. I only have allergy and cold tablets for your cough right now, we'll cross our fingers they get something good on the run."

"Tablets will be all I need."

He smiled at that. Sadly, Indra could see past it. "You don't need to do anything demanding today. Just take it easy."

"So like any other day?"

She didn't mean to be biting, but she'd never do anything if it was up to someone else.

"Indra, I know it looks rough to you, but you're strong, I see it in you, you'll get through this as long as you follow doctor's orders. You hear?"

She tried to smile at that. "I will."

"Good. If you need anything else you know where I am."

"Thank you, Carson."

Well, there went her 5K run, maybe she could find something to do in the kitchens. Indra didn't know how the other wives did it. Only her and Tanya ever did any work, of course, wives didn't need points. They could have what they wanted if they asked. But the days dragging doing nothing but waiting for Negan to return, it had drove her stir crazy in a less than a week. So she did odd jobs gaining points and it was something to do. Not many were on staff today probably due to the number of people gone on the run.

"Hi, Grafton, I was hoping you needed some help."

Grafton was another nice man, his face very weathered from age and hard labor. But he had a kind nature to him, and was always nice to her.

"I'm afraid we got the prep done already Indra, with everyone gone it wasn't too much trouble today."

She nodded, understanding. Before she could leave Grafton called from behind.

"We do actually have an abundant supply of flour and sugar though maybe you could do something with it."

Her face nearly cracked from how wide her grin was. "Oh, thank you. I'm going to go get my friend and I'll be right back."

"Daryl?"

"Yeah, Daryl."

She smiled, Grafton liked Daryl, he didn't mind when she came in a made him a plate of food. Sometimes he'd even sit with them both spouting questions and not waiting for an answer. Which was good since Daryl hardly ever said anything back, and with everyone gone maybe they wouldn't have to get any flak today. After Daryl's stunt a guard was always posted with the two, though thankfully it had been Dwight's orders which meant he never mentioned anything to Negan about what happened. She was thankful to him about that. It didn't mean he and everyone else didn't say anything. They really wanted her to treat that man like a dog and she couldn't. The last straw had come from Arat throwing the plate she had made on the floor, telling Daryl to lick it up or she'd shoot him. Indra had taken a good sized cutting board and slapped her with it. She had gone to Negan on that, which, when he had found out it was one of his wives had done the damage had been fine. He thought it was funny.

"My sunshine has fire in her. Made her nose squirt a quart of blood, she won't mess with you again I'm sure."

After that he gave Daryl more privileges or more accurately let Indra give him more things. A small pallet mattress in his cell as well as a blanket, she made sure he wasn't given those dogfood sandwiches anymore and that tape was turned off. She also got him more clothing and a few books to read. She thought he trusted her more though she was sure not by much. It shouldn't bother her, but it still made her sad.

"Excuse me, Joey, will you unlatch the door for me?"

Joey was lounged in the corner facing the cells with a sandwich on hand. "Where the hell's your guard?"

"What do you mean?"

"I got Dwight's orders you can't have him with you without a guard."

"It's fine Joey."

"I ain't getting in no trouble for some redneck –"

"Joey, open up the darned door or I'll tell Negan. I swear you act like he's a real animal, for Christ's sake Grafton's upstairs if something happens."

"And what's his old ass going to do die on him?"

Indra was about to retort but her threat had worked and Joey was getting up, placing the sandwich in his mouth as he fumbled with the keys.

"You try anything there doggy boy and I'll be up there to shoot your ass."

"Shut up, Joey. Would you like to help me in the kitchen today, Daryl?"

She could hear Joey's high pitched impersonation of her and she rolled her eyes before looking back in the cell.

"Sure."

She smiled, reaching out her hand to pull him up. He was still timid about it, but small gestures like this he would take. With Negan gone, she didn't need the chain, and she was happy to have him be able to walk by her side as an equal.

"Missed ya the past few days."

The past few days were mostly in Negan's room and you tried to cover a blush. "They did bring you food didn't they? I told them if they skimp –"

"Wasn't that, just…missed ya, I guess."

Her? He had missed her? Not many times she could say that in her life, and with herself near to tears she hugged him, causing him to grunt in surprise.

"I kind of missed you too, Daryl. Come on, I think you'll be strong enough to roll out some cookies for me."

Grafton and Daryl gave their mandatory nod in greeting before Daryl sat at the large makeshift island.

"Indra, do you reckon you'll be fine here? Since the soup's simmering I was going to take a nap."

Oh, Joey will be pissed.

"Yeah, Grafton we'll be fine. Take as long as you need."

Watching the old man waddle out the door she started to get the ingredients he left for her.

"So cookies, huh?"

"Yep, Grafton says there's a decent amount of supplies that we can make a batch for tonight. And, it's just the time of year to bake."

He could feel her excitement and he only shook his head and smirked. Gathering everything she let him start to whisk things together with her.

"Oh, no, Daryl that's way too much."

Indra stopped him from pouring any more of the bag of sugar in the wet ingredients.

"Said they were damned sugar cookies."

"Yes, but too much sugar can make it grainy; you don't want to feel like you've got a beach in your mouth do you?"

"'spose not."

"Here, use the measuring cup; we need about six to seven cups of flour."

It was slow, but it was nice. A comfortable silence falling between the both of them. With everything mixed she let it cool in the refrigerator.

"Why we doin' that for?"

"So they'll slice better, maybe we could roll them out and make shapes, you want to?"

He snorted. "Up to you there Betty Crocker."

"Oh, hush. I guess we can try to make some icing, we still have enough sugar."

"Where'd ya learn to cook?"

"My grandmother, she could make something out of anything."

"Hmmm."

"She was a good woman."

Indra didn't talk about her much, dying when she was young. She kept her memory to herself, the one person to love her, she wanted to hoard it away.

"Think she'd want ya in a place like this?"

She clenched her teeth. "I don't know, she didn't want me in a lot of places I ended up."

"Hmmm."

The comfort had begun to turn to tension now.

"Have ya ever even been outside these fences?"

"Of course, that's why I don't mind them."

He grunted angrily.

Looking around, she checked the doorways making sure everything was clear before putting the frosting the fridge.

"Come on."

Daryl looked bewildered as she grabbed a kitchen knife and giving him one.

"You coming?"

He followed, still unsure of her intentions. Going out the delivery entrance she watched the grounds, making sure no one was walking around. Making her way over to the end of the fence she found the familiar post.

"You're okay with bending now aren't you?"

"What the hell are we doin'?"

She winced at the tone, but motioned at a gap. "I do this sometimes, you think I don't get away from here sometimes but I do. Just to sit and think. Get away from gravel and metal for a while. Now you coming or aren't you?"

Indra had already made her way under brushing dirt from her clothes and walking ahead. A few moments later she heard the familiar shuffle and mumbled curses behind her.

"We're here."

It wasn't far out from the Sanctuary just enough to be under some trees and on actual grass.

"This is where ya come?"

"Yep. Usually I write or do my best to attempt to draw. I wish I could do it, my fingers don't have a light enough touch. But I do it, I've even drawn you."

"Me?"

"Yeah, I just – seeing you it was like, I don't know, a wolf that has lost their pack."

"I'mma wolf, huh?"

"You are, stoic, fierce, yet I know you're very loyal though you don't trust easy. Not to mention you're as beautiful as one too."

His eyes jumped with that. "I'm not fuckin' beautiful."

Indra smirked. "Fraid so. You have a good soul, Daryl, and that's beautiful. I also know that like a wolf you crave –"

She heard a grunt but knew it wasn't Daryl, swerving around she panicked seeing a walker making it close to the two of them. Reaching for the knife she closed her eyes and charged, ramming the blade in its temple. She heard the gurgling, the dying cry it made.

"INDRA! Why the hell'd you do that for? I could've got it!"

She heard him but you couldn't reply, the adrenaline, panic, anxiety, the exertion it was throwing her under and her chest starting heaving making her hacked. She couldn't breathe, and her body started to burn.

"Indra?"

She couldn't do anything; the coughs kept coming, the effort giving sharp pangs in her throat. The moment she could gasp for air she looked up at him through watery eyes.

"Go."

"What?"

"This is your chance, go, wolves are supposed to be free, Daryl, go."

The coughing took over again, and she felt it, the giving way as she coughed up the sputum caked with clots of blood in it. Indra felt hands on her then as Daryl hefted her up, she was doing her best to fight as he made his way back to the fence. Her lungs felt like they were shrinking, heart beating fast to keep blood flowing, her sight was bleary, and felt like she weighed a thousand pounds. She could hear people yelling as she were carried away, felt herself lifted and a moment of clarity came and she made out Carson's face.

"What the hell you do to her?"

 _That's not the doctor's voice._

Craning her head the best she could Indra saw Joey standing there, pistol in hand.

"I didn't do nothin'."

"Why she like that then?"

"You both need to stop."

"My fault –"

They turned to her, three pairs of eyes staring.

"The fence –"

"Why the fuck were you by the goddamn fence? You stupid –"

 _You stupid fucking girl! I should've drowned you when I had the chance, you worthless piece of –_

"Shit. She okay?"

"Get out of here, Joseph and take that damn gun with you. You've upset the poor thing enough."

 _You are weak child, and this new world has no place in it for you._

Indra whimpered as she felt something pressed on her face, the images of her abusers fresh in her mind. She felt the familiar puffs of air and realized it was oxygen taking it in gulps her lungs began to relax with each breath. She felt a hand on her shoulder, and she glanced up seeing Daryl's worried face looking back at her. He had given up his freedom to save her. She had two saviors now.

Letting her hand land on his she gripped it, letting the fresh air make her light headed and lull her to sleep hearing in a soft haze.

"She's not okay, is she?"

"No, son, she's not."


	4. Cold Fences

**[Thank you guys for reviewing! It made my day…to Guest, yeah I'm ashamed of myself What's Mine is a further excerpt for this story and I'd suggest no one read it until this one's done but this is a forked story. I originally had this on Ao3 and Tumblr because FF doesn't want reader inserts here so I held off. Well, I'm trying to recircuit my brain so I can finish another fic so until I get motivation for it I broke down and decided to redo all the you's and put the story up. Might do that with my others too until I break down and write again. Writer's block sucks balls I swear.]**

Indra were outside on one of the higher floors, sitting out to look over the railings, watching all the people go about their business on the frozen landscape. She sighed, for the past few weeks she had been put on a severe lock down. Many things could be kept from Negan, for example, Joey hadn't let it slip that she had taken Daryl outside the fences. Though, it had been mainly for his benefit since he had been the cell guard on duty. But being splattered with the blood of the undead, unconscious, and unable to breathe, well that bit of word got out.

Negan had been furious, taking Lucille and beating every walker in the vicinity. Being in and out of it she hadn't known his wrath, only met with the aftermath as she had come to with Sherry at her bedside. Negan had made it so Indra couldn't even go to the bathroom alone, though to be fair, she had needed assistance the first few days. The jello like slip of her legs had made her too unsteady. But now she felt close to normal, the closest to normal she could get anyways. Partly due to that a nebulizer had been brought in with the supplies.

Regardless, Negan hadn't relented stating that, apparently, Indra couldn't look after herself. She knew he was covering his worry with anger and wished he wouldn't. She was fed up with the hovering and being cooped up, so here she was, an unknown observer. It was nice being out, the crisp, cold air sort of soothing to her lungs, her body always seemed to be warmer than it ought to so the icy steel on her skin was extra enjoyable for the moment. Indra wished she could see Daryl, the very least check up on him, Negan wouldn't have it though, saying it would slow down her recovery. It didn't make her any less concerned, it scared her by how much she worried for him. Were they treating him okay? Did they take his things away? Were they feeding him right?

 _Compassion is for the weak, child. It belongs to a civilization that is no more._

That woman had been insane, no question, her and all of her followers had been, yet she couldn't help but hear her voice sometimes. It was as if she haunted her, her and another, both having deemed Indra too weak to live. Weak due to her concern for others, and weak for being what she was - weak physically and mentally.

"Now what in the damn fuck are you doing out here in the cold?"

Looking sideways she saw Negan approaching, a frown on his face. A wave of guilt hit her making her turn away, if she were to concede, the cabin fever wasn't all that had been bothering her. A few days ago she had went to Carson, fatigue and stomach troubles weighing her down, and she had been optimistic of what it could be. Only to be given another minus sign on the test staring blankly back. Carson's explanation had been that it was aftershocks of being so ill. This had been another reason she hadn't wanted to go through this, because she probably couldn't, Indra didn't know the specifics of what was wrong with her but it had made her believe it would be near to impossible to conceive a child let alone carry one to term. But she had wanted it, wanted to be hopeful, for herself and for Negan.

"Sunshine?"

Still avoiding looking at him, she took her fingernail and traced patterns on the ice across the rail.

"I'm sorry, Negan. I needed to be by myself for a little while. I'll come back in after a few more minutes."

His brows furrowed and she could tell he was getting miffed.

"No. You're going in now, it's too fucking cold for you to be out here sulking. You're only going to get fucking sick again."

It was hushed anger, and she could hear the order in it. Exhaling, Indra watched the puff of white air appear, before standing and making her way over to him. Only to slip on a small patch of ice and slide forward, luckily Negan had been close enough to grab for he, legs buckling, face pressed into leather and cotton.

"You see that shit! You're gonna get goddamn hurt out here!"

The tone was what set it off and her body started shuddering, her cold nose began to sniffle, as tears leaked from her eyes. She felt his hands stiffen on her shoulders.

"The fuck? A-are you crying?"

Negan hated it when women cried, he never knew how to handle it but as soon as the tears came she couldn't stop.

"I-I c-c-can't give you w-what you want, N-negan."

"What're you talking about, darlin'?"

His tone had changed, tenderness filling it.

"I'm t-too sick! I-I can't be a m-mom. I can't h-have a b-baby."

"Oh, sunshine, is that what's bothering you?"

Indra nodded, letting the tears ebb, as she was embraced tighter.

"You know you don't have to worry about any of that shit. If you get pregnant, then, yeah, I'm going to be fucking ecstatic. But I'm having fun just having you with me and trying. Hell, darlin', worst comes to worst we'll steal us a fucking kid."

Indra couldn't help but smile him, a small hiccup escaping.

"Now come on, get you out of this damn cold."

"I think it's pretty, do you think it will snow?"

"Fucking hope not. Make it hard to drive out on runs."

"If it does will you have a snowball fight with me?"

He snorted. "I think Lucille would work better in a fight than a damn snowball."

Shaking off your jacket, she laughed. "Oh my gosh, I could throw you snowball while you use her to hit them."

He laughed, shaking his head. "Sometimes I think you've lost your mind, darlin'. Do I look like a man that plays in the damn snow?"

The first thing that occurred was a scene from Beauty and the Beast and she couldn't help but smile. Someone who everyone thought was a monster, being gentle.

"Yes, yes you do."

He rolled his eyes, directing her down the hall with a hand to the small of her back.

"We'll see."

Drifting through the halls when she saw the door to her room.

"Don't give me that look. You're still recuperating and as much as I want to stay with you I'm busy at the moment. So you're gonna park it and I'll have one of the girls sit with you."

"I was hoping to see Daryl today."

Perhaps that hadn't been worded right, seeing Negan's brows disappear into his hairline.

"The mutt? I'm sorry I didn't fucking realize you preferred his company over mine."

Taking his arm she nudged him. "You know that's not it, besides you being busy, as I recall you gave me that mutt so I wouldn't be lonely. He's my friend."

He stroked his beard in thought, and Indra couldn't help but rake her fingers through it as well. The gesture making him smirk down at her.

"I'm not sure if I like how cozy you're getting with him."

She sighed, exasperated. "And why is that?"

Then a thought struck. "Negan…what did he do? Why is he a prisoner?"

Negan motioned for her to go inside, him shutting the door behind them both.

"Strip."

"Negan -"

"Strip and get your jammies on, I'm damn serious about you resting. Who the hell knows how long you were out there today, you ain't going to have a fucking relapse on me."

Indra had stripped in front of him hundreds of times and every time was the same process. Eager to be close to him and then the realization of being exposed, the bared skin, wondering if the marred pieces of her would put him off. Then his hands would be on her and the fear would melt away. That wasn't the case today, nope, this was a different type of melting as she stripped down and watched her leather clad husband turn down your bed. Putting on a night shirt she let him cover her up, grabbing his hand before he stood back up. He relented, letting himself collapse across the bed, making her laugh.

"You silly man…are you going to tell me or not?"

He propped himself on a hand, scanning the sheet before looking at her.

"We're hoping he'll change sides."

"Sides from what?"

"He's one of the men from Alexandria, darlin'."

Her heart nearly stopped, that wasn't possible.

"He didn't – he wasn't part of the ones who killed all those people, was he? All our men?"

"I'm afraid so, sunshine, but I think he'd be a good soldier which is why I brought him here."

Not Daryl, it wasn't right, he wouldn't kill people, not without a reason. But why all of them? The ones at the outpost, maybe, they were aggressive, borderline feral taking what they wanted and not caring who they had to get through to get it. She didn't hold much sorrow for them. But Timmy, Bud, sure Bud could be an asshole but he had been a good guy; losing his wife and little girl not long after the outbreak, she couldn't blame him for changing, but to be killed the way he was. That wasn't right.

"Sunshine? You all right?"

"I get it and I don't. Why make him a prisoner?"

"He needs to learn a lesson don't you think?"

"What I think, since you want him as a soldier, is that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

Negan smirked. "That's where you came in darlin'."

"Me?"

"Nothing much sweeter than you, now is there?"

"So you didn't give him to me as a gift but to use me as a ploy?"

"Don't be getting upset."

"Not upset, just thought you were trying to do something nice for me was all."

"I was dammit!"

Indra winced, drawing back from him, the tension in his posture deflated.

"I'm sorry, Indra. I was doing something for you while trying to get something done. Two birds, one stone and all that. You said he had been a good friend so there you go. I'll have him brought up after Carson looks at you."

He was deflecting. Giving her what she wanted to take away the guilt. But knowing these things, she wasn't sure what she wanted. She did want to know Daryl's side of the story, and certainly didn't want Negan to think she was afraid of him. So she nodded your consent, letting him get a quick kiss as he went to fetch the doctor. Being in bed made her aware of how tired she was letting herself doze before Carson popped in. He smiled, stethoscope at the ready before grabbing a chair to pull by her bed.

"Your color has gotten a lot better, Indra."

"Thank you, I'm feeling better."

She shivered as the end of the scope was placed beyond her collar, onto her back.

"Breathe in for me."

After that he checked her eyes. "Any hot flashes or sudden bouts of cold?"

"A little bit, I suppose."

He hummed, taking note. "Nausea, any more vomiting?"

"No, I haven't been eating much to be honest."

"You need to eat, Indra, it'll build your strength up and aid your immune system. Has there been any more blood?"

She shook your head. "Not since last week."

"Good, you do sound a little congested, I'm going to bring in the nebulizer. I'll also see about some blood work, the crew was able to find a centrifuge on the last run so we may get some headway and see if there is a better way to treat you."

She nodded, trying not to ebb on hope, Carson patted her shoulder saying he'd be back in a little bit before leaving her alone. She felt heavy, for once by too much information instead of sickness. She got up and grabbed her knitting bag, needing something to do with her hands and began finishing up the scarf she had started for Amber. People hardly exchanged gifts for Christmas, the gesture being declared a waste of resources, but she couldn't heed that. So she handed out as many handmade gifts she could make, she knew they liked them, the thought, that someone had cared for them to do something. The knock startled her, almost making her drop a stitch.

"Come in."

Dwight accompanied Daryl, more accurately, pushed him through the door. And Indra did a double take when she caught a look at Daryl's face.

"What happened?"

His lip had been split, the bridge of his nose, and eye bruised a deep purple with yellow around the edges.

Daryl shrugged. "That fat boy paid me a visit several days ago."

"Jesus, Daryl. Come here and let me take a look at that."

With a quick look to Dwight, Daryl made his way over sitting by her on the bed.

"You don't need to be doing all that now."

"Oh, calm down, Dwight. You don't even need to be in here. We're not going anywhere and Carson will be back soon."

Dwight gripped his gun hesitantly. She knew with Negan busy, and Sherry on her own that Dwight could find better things to do. She felt kind of bad for knowing the advantage.

"I know you have better things to do than be stuck here. Nothing's going to happen, so go."

Dwight looked at the door. "If I hear one thing, one fucking thing went awry I'll -"

"You won't. Go."

With his jaw clenched he left and Indra went to examining Daryl. Pushing his hair away he appeared so vulnerable, there was no way she could picture him as a cold blooded killer. Then again, she could never see Negan that way either, but stories floated around.

"Funny how they always turn tail and run."

She smiled. "They know not to fight me."

Daryl snorted. "Ya even know how to fight, woman?"

She let herself think back on it – kicks, scratches, bites.

"No, not really."

"Didn't think so."

"Well, thank you so much."

"They need to quit lockin' ya away like some damn princess, and teach ya to take care of yurself."

"Maybe there's not much point to it."

"Why the hell not? Everyone needs to defend themselves."

"I suppose because I'll be gone before I need to."

He wrenched away at that. "Don'tcha dare fuckin' talk that way, ya ain't goin' nowhere, ya hear me?"

The tone should've alarmed her, but it didn't, he was scared. It made her want to take his fear away, make his mind go somewhere else.

"Would you teach me to fight, Daryl?"

"Sure would, get ya outta here I'd teach ya everything to fight, shoot, track -"

"A regular man's man."

Daryl snorted again, but she saw a smirk tugging his lips making her smile too. "There's some ointment in the drawer for your lip, I'm going to give Joey a piece of my mind when I see him."

"Don't matter now."

"It matters to me."

Deciding to break the eye contact she got up and looked out into the hallway making sure everything was clear and no one would hear their conversation. Closing the door she stumbled back to the bed seeing Daryl eyeing her in curiosity. Taking back the knitting she cleared her throat.

"I guess this would be the best time to discuss how we're going to get you out of here."

"And why should we be doin' that?"

"Come on, Daryl, I gave you an opportunity before and you wouldn't take it."

"I wasn't just goin' to let ya die out there dammit!"

"I wouldn't have died, I just…may I ask you something?"

"Suppose so since you're the owner."

She frowned at that. "Please don't."

Daryl's eyes jerked to hers before going back down. "Sorry, yeah, go ahead."

She leaned forward, nervous. "I know we've discussed this before, so I am sorry for bringing it back up but – what did you do? To be put in the cells?"

His jaw tightened, lips drawing back in a sneer. "Thought it didn't matter."

"But…yeah, you see it kind of does, Negan talked to me about where you're from, um, Alexandria, about what happened at the outpost and everything. But what happened, what you did, I don't think you meant it in a bad way."

"What're ya talkin' about?"

"I've gotten to know you Daryl, and I don't think you'd intentionally hurt anyone unless you had to, and you had to didn't you?"

"How ya figure that?"

"Because you're a good person. And I don't think you should be here, not as a prisoner, and certainly not as a dog."

He looked like he was going to make a move for the door, and he did move, only it was forward. Rough, chapped lips pressing over her soft ones her instincts telling her to close her eyes and enjoy the sensation. When Indra didn't push him away he pulled her closer, a calloused hand on the nape of her neck, the other on her waist. His kiss was different than what she was used to. So hesitant yet so sure. This was wrong, she knew it was wrong, but that didn't stop one of her hands coming up and caress the scruff on his face. She could feel her skin absorbing his heat, warming him as well. Pulling away he pressed his head to hers.

"A bird."

She looked at him in wonderment. "What?"

"If I'm a damned wolf then you're a bird."

She smiled, letting herself remain pressed to him. "What kind of bird?"

"Finch."

"Oh, you've thought about this."

"Yep. Finches ain't meant to be caged up but lotta people try and make 'em pets. They're meant to be free in the wild, meant to sing in the open. Ya know ya do that don'tcha? Ya sing under your breath all the time, like ya ain't meaning to but ya are. Like a finch you're small but you're strong. You're meant to thrive outside of here, Y/N."

What he said, Indra couldn't look at him. "I – it doesn't feel that way."

"It is."

She let him tilt her chin and she wondered if he was going to kiss her again. The thought sent a pleasant chill down her spine.

 _I'd let him._

The realizations making another chill of a different sort run through her.

But before she could find out a knock sounded and Daryl fell to the floor, getting back to the corner chair. Carson entered with a cart, and abruptly looked between the

"Am I interrupting?"

"Of course not, I was beginning to wonder if you were coming back."

He smiled. "Afraid I had a few surprise patients waiting."

"Oh, I hope nothing too serious."

"Oh, no, same old broken fists and broken noses. Now, you know the drill."

He turned on the nebulizer letting the mist flow before guiding it to her mouth. She glanced back over at Daryl, who leaned on his elbow watching her in concern. She tried to smile around the nozzle to assure him but the awkward shape made it look like a grimace.

"You okay?"

Carson was prepping the needle.

"Perhaps you could sit with her, hold her hand while I take some samples."

Daryl didn't wait to be asked again, sitting back in the same spot as before. Having her hand in his seemed to have the opposite effect it should have her heart speed up as his fingers linked with hers. Blood rushed in her face and she tried to take deep breaths, gasping when she felt the needle pierce into her skin. After a few vials it was over, and Carson cleaned up. Trying to prop up, she felt woozy falling onto the pillows.

"Don't be getting up, since you haven't been eating your blood pressure probably went down. I'll have someone bring you up some juice, and how about we put a bucket by the bed just in case. I think Daryl will keep an eye on you so you can rest. I should have some type of result in a few days."

Daryl nodded to him and Indra tried to keep her eyes open, letting herself turn to let herself be against him she let the dizziness take her to sleep. Upon waking, she knew it was late, Daryl gone, and she felt bad for not saying goodbye. She felt gross, and by the lingering odor she would say she had gotten sick while out of it. Groaning she decided to rinse the stench off. The water never got quite as warm in here but it was good, making her feel clean. She must've been immersed in the water because she didn't hear the door or shower curtain move, jumping when she felt a hand on her side.

And for a fraction of a second you pictured looking into a pair of blue eyes behind her but instead was met with a familiar brown.

"My sunshine doing all right?"

"Yeah, I got a little sick earlier, but Carson's going to run some tests so maybe we can figure something out."

"He damn well better."

"He's not God Negan, let's just enjoy the shower. I've missed you."

 _Really?_

"I've missed you too, and as much as I'd thoroughly like to enjoy this with you, you know we can't with you still sick. So come on, clean up, I'll stay with you in bed for a while."

He helped her put on a new shirt, even helping to brush her hair as he bedded down beside her.

"Negan?"

"Yeah, darlin'."

"Would you teach me to fight?"

He chuckled at that. "And why would you need to learn to fight?"

Indra shrugged a shoulder, burrowing into the pillow. "I don't know, what if I was outside the fences and needed to fight?"

Negan put an arm over his face. "Don't see much point in that darlin' since you're never go outside these fences."

"Never?"

He looked at her firmly. "Why're you wanting outside the damn fences so bad?"

"I'd just like to see what I can do, contribute, maybe go on a run."

"You contribute enough."

Indra sighed, closing her eyes. Perhaps Daryl had been right. Maybe the both of them were really fucked.


	5. The Certain and the Uncertain Pt 1

_Indra didn't know where she was, but it was beautiful. Even the air smelt sweet, a mix of cedar and honeysuckle – home. It was a place she hadn't seen since she had been a little girl, but she knew the way immediately. Pivoting through trees she made it to a small clearing where a house was perched on the hill, it amazed her that it was still in immaculate condition. Sprinting as fast as she could she ran inside without knocking._

" _Grandma!"_

 _The lingering smells of food alerted her that a presence had to be here. Looking through the small home everything was as she remembered, even her room was kept the same. Small homemade dolls and books littering the shelves, little sneakers and dresses tossed on the bed, and behind the door, grandad's bow. Getting a chair she went to the closet, picking up a long box, yep, the arrows still inside. Deciding to take her find outside, she stopped, noticing that a bouquet of white roses had been placed on the dining table; along with a note._

' _Take a flower and meet us in town.'_

 _Us? She couldn't think of whom else could be down there besides her grandmother, and town, there was no real town nearby, the city was close to ten miles away. As if the paper caught on it concluded:_

' _Just follow the path.'_

 _Okay then. Taking the center flower, Indra tucked it behind her ear, before heading back out. It was a few minutes before she found the path by the house, a multicolor mix of sandstones leading through the woods. It was pleasant, reminding her of the good part of childhood, the birds chirping in the branches, and squirrels gathering along the ground. She had paused briefly, wondering if her old tree fort was still standing, but something in her gut told you not to look. To not stray from the path. It was foreboding and she walked a little faster. As the trees began to sparse she did see the outline of a town. Buildings curving down the hillside, the path turning from loose rocks to cobblestone roads; she could hear people laughing, children shouting, the aroma of cotton candy and other junk food as she strode in deeper._

" _Flower ma'am?"_

 _Startled Indra turned to see a young boy behind her. "Oh, I'm sorry I already have a flower. But thank you."_

 _The boy looked at her in puzzlement. "You're supposed to pin it on your shirt, that way everyone knows where each other belongs."_

 _Smiling sheepishly, she took the safety pin the boy offered. "Thank you…um, where does my flower say I belong?"_

 _The boy's brow knitted in a frown. "You're supposed to go down there. You have to make the decision."_

 _He began to walk away, and she tried to catch up. "Decision about what? Hey!"_

 _He was already gone. Though her nerves told otherwise her feet took her where the boy pointed. The town opening in a small cul-de-sac where people were singing and dancing. Bumping into everyone she decided it best to sit on one of the benches until the festivities died down. It was nice, seeing so many happy faces on such a nice day._

" _Have you decided, shortcake?"_

 _Hearing the childhood nickname she stood in shock. "Grandma! You really are here!"_

 _The aged face of her beloved grandmother looked, a smile crinkling her face._

" _Of course I'm here, we all come here when it is time."_

" _Time for what?"_

 _Her grandmother shrugged. "You know, to decide, and I think it's time you did. I believe everyone is waiting."_

 _Indra realized it had gotten quiet everyone dropping what they were doing as they now focused on her._

" _What am I deciding?"_

" _That is easy, dear. Though everything is made of some form of doubt, your decision will be between the certain and the uncertain."_

" _I don't understand."_

 _She guided Indra taking her to the center of the circle, the townspeople clearing the way as they kept watching. She pointed, a ways out, fog cleared, revealing a path to the Sanctuary as Negan strode to the front, perching onto the rail, the same cocky smile on his face as he waited._

" _There is no hundred percent in life, shortcake, but you know what awaits you there. Now don't you?"_

 _She nodded, hesitant._

" _That is certain. Now over that way will be your uncertain."_

 _Turning the opposite way she saw the path open onto a broken road, abandoned stores as the dead roamed the streets. On top of one of the cars she saw Daryl cleaning a gun as he looked up at her, his diffident smile hiding behind his hair._

" _A few words of advice, the right path isn't meant to be easy, it's meant to steer you onto greater things, a greater you. It's meant for you to live your life to the best extent. You should not fully calculate things though, you should let your heart help as well. Now you may decide."_

" _Grandma, I can't."_

" _You must."_

" _What does this matter? I'm dying, I'm not supposed to have a greater me anymore."_

 _The admittance made her shutter, and she felt the tears burning her eyelids._

" _We all die, shortcake, a long or shortened life does not define itself in such a way, no matter how much time we have is supposed to be spent with what is best."_

 _She couldn't stop looking between her, the people observing, overwhelmed, she collapsed._

" _I can't!"_

 _Her grandmother frowned, turning to walk away. "Then it will be decided for you."_

 _Glancing down she saw her flower wilting, the petals darkening to a deep black. Feeling the crisp edges she jerked up when she heard gunshots. Everyone was on the ground, eyes staring skywards, empty. Moving her gaze on to the pathways Indra screamed. Daryl's lifeless body being torn apart by the dead, Negan's strewn across the rails, Lucille's barbs lodged into his head._

" _Why?"_

" _Because one bad decision costs countless lives. You should know that now, child. Or having you been walking about blinded still?"_

 _Spinning she saw her - her abductor, executioner, the woman who showed her senseless violence. The woman had the best camouflage, a kind, serene face to lure people in, her head devoid of hair as she crouched down._

" _You have learned nothing."_

" _Can't you see she's weak, not even meant to exist."_

 _Indra froze, the voice filling her with more anguish than the woman in front of her._

" _Look at me, you waste of fucking space."_

 _Standing, she summoned the courage to turn and look into the eyes that mirrored hers._

" _I'm not a waste of space, mother, I never was."_

 _She laughed. "And what are you then, you contribute nothing to this world. It'd been better off if I'd been able to use that coat hanger right."_

 _Fury engulfed her and Indra slammed her down. "Shut up! Just shut up, if I shouldn't exist than neither should you, you're just an evil woman full of spite and you didn't deserve a child! I'm glad you died!"_

 _Her mother smirked. "And I'll be glad when you die as well. You think they'll care? You think anyone will remember you? They'll throw you in the ditch and wipe their hands clean of you. It'll be one less thing to care for."_

 _It was true, what had she done to be remembered? What encompassed her life? Since the world ended she fought for nothing. Hid and dodged, she survived on her own and then pleaded for her life before being brought into the Sanctuary, where again, she did nothing. Her life had been split between surviving and doing nothing, and that was no life. She let herself fall back, the tears finally purging._

" _Weak."_

" _Always weak."_

 _She gasped as your head was wrenched back, not comprehending until she felt the blade slash into her throat. The pain felt like fire as her mouth opened and closed involuntarily, eyes going wide as a curtain of blood spilled before the weakness took over and she collapsed in the warm liquid._

Indra woke up, sheets and body damp with sweat. She tried to calm her body, heart beating a mile a minute as she steadied her breathing.

"I'm not weak."

But she was and knew it, what was she truly living for? She had no true answer and it was killing her.

Her body racked with broken cries as she lifted herself from the bed. It took a moment to stand, the heaviness from the nightmare lingering. She stripped the sheets, throwing them into the hamper by the door before rinsing the sweat off. When she changed into some yoga pants and a light sweater she saw it was almost four in the morning. Though Negan could choose, by rotation, Indra was the pick today. And she hoped he wouldn't mind if she crawled in beside him, nausea was hitting making her falter down the hallway, it coming even more so when she heard the noises.

"Oh, God, Negan. Yes! YES!"

He was awake it seemed, and by the screams with Frankie. It hurt more than it should. She was hardly ever jealous of the other wives. Concluding since the loss of his first wife he kept more than one as to not become too attached.

 _But you thought you were something special._

Her mother's voice racked inside her head and she exhaled through clenched teeth. She _had_ thought that. Ever since she had been found whether she was sick or not Negan never went to another wife on her day. Until now it seemed. And she knew why he was doing it, the understanding hurting her even more. He knew, of course he knew. As soon as Carson told her he probably told Negan, if not before.

" _Hopefully we'll get a microscope in to wean it down a little more, but from the tests I found your white blood cell count abnormal."_

" _I'm going to guess that's bad."_

" _Indeed. With the lack of resources and proper machinery to examine you correctly I'm playing mostly by ear on this, Indra."_

" _But you have some idea of what this could be."_

" _Yes."_

 _Carson looked so sad, the man that had always been hopeful of her recovery giving up._

" _You can tell me, Carson."_

 _He sighed, pulling the stool closer to let his hand reach out and touch her shoulder. "From my medical standpoint, as well as the tests we could do and your symptoms, I would say it's cancer."_

" _Cancer?"_

" _Of the blood to be more specific, from what I've seen it would be more of a type of lymphoma but there's no real way to know for sure right now."_

 _She tried to crack a smile. "I like how you're saying there may be one in the future."_

" _There very well may be."_

" _So what do I do now? How long would you say I have?"_

" _There is no set time, Indra. If I may be frank, it could be a month, it could be ten years. It all depends, though I'm sure Negan will find you some type of medication and perhaps some equipment to help you along."_

 _She gripped her hands together, looking down. "Yeah."_

It'd be a waste of time and waste of resources, so she hadn't brought it up. Which was fine, seeing as she was being avoided worse than if she had the plague. He was already distancing himself, preparing for her death and his loss, and that hurt. It hurt so much it was like a physical blow, bending her over, and bowing her down. She couldn't go back to sleep, there was no point, the sun would be rising soon enough, and she may as well try to be productive. Going back to her room she grabbed a bobby pin and headed for the cells.

An upside and downside to Negan's avoidance was how close she and Daryl were becoming. Upon meeting Indra had been drawn in, wanting to help, but now, it kept delving into something else. It was terrifying as well as welcoming. He hadn't tried to kiss her again, and she was afraid by how much she wanted him to. It was gratitude, some form of it anyways. It had to be, she was the person who showed him kindness in his hell, and he was thankful. So she tried to beat off the stabbing disappointment of the thought and let herself get to know him better. Sharing more in common than they had thought, both having been abused by the people who should have loved them most. Unlike her, he had been hurt by his father, and unlike her he hadn't been taken in at birth by a doting grandparent or saved by police and put in the foster system. He had taken that berating and pain until the undead came. He had always lived on survival, but unlike her rose-colored glasses technique, he was untrusting, believing he could only count on himself and his brother.

He never really talked about his group and that was okay, she wasn't sure she wanted to know. All the things she had heard about Alexandria and their soldiers, she didn't want to picture Daryl like that. Checking to make sure everything was cleared she rolled her eyes seeing the men on guard duty passed out in the break room, booze and cards scattered on the little table. She went to the cell's door and knocked lightly, the rhythm always the same. If he didn't knock back she'd leave, figuring he'd want to sleep some more. But he always knocked back, and upon hearing the small rasps back she went to work to undo the lock as fast as she could. She hated it down here, she hated him having to be down here, but he wouldn't leave. Indra had three more attempts to try and get him out and he refused every one of them, giving no explanation. It irked her.

"Hey."

A small corner of his mouth tilted up. "Mornin'."

"Did I wake you again, cause you know I'll come back if –"

"Nah, I was already awake, motor mouth."

She giggled, the action invigorating after the nightmare. "Shut up. Do you want to take a shower before breakfast? I thought that, maybe, after we finish helping in the kitchens we could eat outside."

He shrugged. "Don't matter to me none, but if yur offering a shower I'll take it."

Indra helped pull him up off the pallet as she took him to the communal shower. "I already had mine, so I'm going to get you some new clothes while you're in there."

"Already got some."

"All your clothes are dirty, I'm on laundry today so we'll pick them up and wash them later."

"Ya don't need ta be washin' my clothes for me."

"Well, I'm going to, so hush, come on I don't like it down here."

Letting Daryl shower, she looked through the bins of clothes finding a nice red plaid flannel shirt, and blue jeans, since his injuries had healed she thought he'd be more comfortable in the durable fabric. Getting fresh socks and underwear she went back to the showers leaving the clothes in a chair while waiting outside in the sink area to wait for him to finish. The steam made her sleepy, letting herr head be cleared when she heard the faucets being turned off.

"Ya ready?"

"Yep, I knew you'd look handsome in that shirt."

She blushed as soon as the words left and she saw his ears turn red as well.

"Thanks."

It was a silent walk after that and she tried to keep ahead of him so he wouldn't see her face. Entering the kitchen she was greeted with scents of something sweet, spices permeating the air.

"Good morning, Indra! You, too, Daryl."

She grinned. "You sure are in a good mood today, Grafton."

"And why shouldn't I be? We got enough food on the last run to last us well into next year with plenty to spare for a proper Christmas dinner."

She clapped your hands, oh, yes, Christmas was something she needed. Sure, anymore, it could be left as another day, but something about it, it still held something magical to her.

"What are we making this morning though?"

"I've started a few batches, but I have some dough for cinnamon rolls that should have risen by now."

"Cinnamon rolls! Good, Lord, I never thought I'd see one again, let alone taste one."

Grafton smiled, tenderly. "Told you, child, it was a good run."

Child. That word sent her back into that nightmare, and she shivered.

"Ya okay?"

Feeling a hand on her shoulder she let herself face Daryl. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little cold is all."

Grafton laughed. "Christ, girl, it's over a hundred degrees in here with all the ovens on."

Indra tried to smile, knowing it was faulty. "Maybe I just need to move to get my blood going is all. So if it's okay I'd like to get started so I can have one of these with my coffee."

She could feel Daryl watching her, as she tossed him an apron. He knew, but he never said anything, so she pretended as if he didn't but she practically felt the disapproval of his gaze.

"You going to help me roll the dough out, Daryl?"

He grunted in response, help her flatten out the sticky substance as she layered the butter, sugar, and cinnamon on top. With the two of them rolling it up, Grafton cut it into large but equal sections before letting the two put them on an oiled tray. It went on like that for a few hours, setting a steady pace, all of them enjoying the quiet.

"You two better get out of here before it turns into lunchtime."

She wiped the sweat off her brow, smiling. "I doubt it's been that long, but I am starving now."

"You both take two of 'em then. You earned it."

She kissed the old man's cheek before picking out which rolls she wanted, making her way to the cafeteria she got her and Daryl mugs and filled them with coffee from the urn.

"What are you doing down here, Indra?"

She couldn't help but feel delighted by the voice. "Um, getting breakfast, Tanya, what about you?"

"Same, I just meant aren't you supposed to take Negan his breakfast?"

From behind she heard Daryl snort, the sound startling Tanya. Everyone usually looked at Daryl like an anomaly, a piece of furniture she dragged around that didn't quite fit, but with the other wives it was usually distaste or in Tanya's case fear.

"Frankie should be getting it for him."

"But I thought –"

"Daryl and me are going to eat outside if you wanted to join us, if not I'll see you in the laundry room later."

Tanya looked more perked by the change of topic. "Afraid not, we're working in the greenhouse today."

"What, I'm sure we were put down for laundry together."

"We were, but someone changed it last minute…again."

"What are you talking about?"

Looking around, Tanya gave a sneaky smile. "I'll tell you later, Indra, try not to freeze to death outside."

It was cold, and empty, but for her it was tolerable. "Is it too cold for you, Daryl?"

He shook his head. "Nah, slept out in worse weather than this."

Putting her food on one of the picnic tables she placed a hand over his. "I'm not going to let you be cold ever again."

Despite himself, he smiled. "Can't control everything."

"True, I'm realizing I have no control over anything lately."

"Ya have more than ya think."

"No, but I'm going to try to, and the first order of control is getting you back home."

He pulled his hand away. "Why ya tryin' to get yurself in trouble, huh? I'll get my damned self out when I want ta."

"But why haven't you, Daryl? I just don't understand."

"Apparently!"

"Were they mean to you there too?"

"Hell no, those folks were my family."

"So why won't you let me help you –"

"Cause you're my family too dammit! I fuckin' care about ya but yur too caught in your master to see that."

She flinched from the words and tone. "Please don't say things like that, Daryl, I wish you could understand –"

"What? That he uses ya? That he keeps ya under lock and key? That ya have to let him know everything yur gonna do? Yeah, I get it, that's love right there, Indra."

Her eyes glistened. "I never said it was love."

He paused looking at her. "What?"

"I know he cares for me, but no, I don't think he's ever loved me. Life was easy, then you show up, and confused everything, especially since you kissed me –"

"And you kissed back!"

"I know I did!"

"And why'd ya do that if ya love him so damn much?"

"Because I wanted to damn it! I wanted to, and I'd do it again –"

She felt herself being pressed into the table, pastries and coffee forgotten as she felt his lips on hers again. This time she let herself linger, trying to memorize the feel of him, the way his scruff tickled her cheeks and chin, how he proceeded slowly as if waiting for her refusal, but each step she pressed back letting his hands move over her.

"We could go up to my room, if you wanted."

The words surprised her, even more surprising was how the look on his face shook her lower core. Letting her face fall into his hand he let his thumb rub her cheek.

"Up to you, Indra, you tell me what you want. You're the one in control here."

She let her hand settle over his. "No, Daryl, we both are. I just wish it wasn't so confusing, this, us, everything, I don't know about later but I do want this, right now with you. It scares me so bad but I think I've fallen in love with you, Daryl."


	6. The Certain and the Uncertain Pt 2

Indra's body was still tingling, though she had tried to scrub it all away, her skin red from the abusive rubbing. It had been a mistake, a stupid, horrid, wonderful mistake. Yet she knew it wasn't, it was a conscious decision, and it was a terrifying that under the same circumstances she would probably do it again. Leading him up to her room, Daryl hadn't said a word, letting her make every move, letting her be the one to decide where to take things. It had been empowering, being the one to calculate each step to take, to undress him, to kiss him, show him where to trail his hands as hers mimed his, being the one to sit astride as he filled her to the brim. It was not the first time to be in that position, but it felt like the first time to decide the speed, stopping every now and again to catch your breath, his blue eyes wide, staring up at her as if she were an oasis in the desert. As if he were thirsting to death and finally able to drink, but would never get his fill.

But as soon as the tremors left Indra the guilt had took over, realization coming in, and she knew the control had slipped. There was no such thing as control here. She was married for Christ's sake! And yet, here she was, falling in love with a prisoner who had killed her people. She had been honest with Daryl, she didn't think Negan loved her, since the turn she thought he had forgotten how to love, the world taking it out of him, but she knew he cared for her immensely; she wouldn't be here if he didn't, and she still cared for him, no matter what stupid things he did. Yes, she was angry with him, and yes, she cared for Daryl now too, both those things were certain, but everything else in this was uncertain.

It wasn't something Indra could keep going, it wasn't right and it wasn't fair, and though she wanted to find a better purpose before her time was up you knew it was more important to stay true to what values she had. And hurting these two incredible men wasn't something she could do. As if feeling her retraction, Daryl had stiffened up, and taking one look at her, he knew. She wanted to tell him she didn't regret the act, but she regretted the ending, there was no for sure in this, and what could she do, leave? Did she want to leave? Indra didn't know, she didn't know what she wanted anymore, and it was tearing her apart. That wasn't true, she knew on some level that she wanted Negan and Daryl to have steered clear of each other, to never have had to meet, that way Daryl could be happy with someone else, and she oblivious to this man's existence, staying faithful to the one she already had.

Daryl had started yelling, ranting, but she couldn't really hear what he was saying, static building in her ears as she saw his eyes, those magnificent blue eyes that held such warmth before now brimming with anger, sadness, and hurt, all of which she had caused. She had begun to cry, pulling a robe around her as Daryl fumbled into his clothes, she wanted to tell him to stop, her mouth spouting apologies. As she began to crumple he stopped, looking down at her on the bed, it was hesitance, he didn't know if he should comfort her or not. Conflicted, he took a vase from the dresser and threw it against the wall, the shards glimmering like tiny crystals on the floor.

Tears flowing, Indra begged, asking him to calm down and sit, to please talk this through, help each other understand, let him know split on this she was. But before she could he had thrown open the door, and made a break down the hall, and before she had even made it up to the doorway she heard yelling as other footsteps were heard sprinting and bodies falling to the floor.

"Did he hurt you?"

Jerking in surprise from the voice, she saw Gavin looking at her in concern. "I'm fine, we just had a disagreement and he left."

"You're crying."

"I know, it's okay."

"We get it, Indra, you like to protect him, but you know we're going to have to report this to Negan. There's too many of us on the floor today to let it go unnoticed."

She wiped her face, and nodded. "Can you tell him to go easy on him? It's not his fault, I brought something up I shouldn't have and it upset him."

Gavin shifted his feet. "I'm just a lieutenant, so it probably won't have any effect, but I'll pass along the message. I don't think he's a bad guy either, but he really needs to get his shit together before Negan decides he's not worth the effort anymore."

Her heart jumped at that, if Negan ever knew, Daryl's fate would be certain, she couldn't…there was no way she could handle that.

"Thank you, Gavin."

"You need anything?"

"Um, may I get a broom, I broke something and would like to get it up."

After cleaning the glass, she had went into the shower, making the water as hot as she could before scouring herself, hoping to cleanse the betrayals she committed. After drawing blood she knew it was pointless, drying off and changing sheets. She couldn't obliterate the act, but she'd hide it, she'd do everything she could to not let it out. It was selfish on one hand, but the other was for Daryl's protection. Letting herself fall on the bed, the raw flesh chafing on the smooth fabric, she couldn't help the sad laugh that escaped. This was the exact position she had been found in, naked and on her side, raw inside and out, ready for things to be over with.

 _There was screaming, so much it was deafening, the wailing cries flooding over whatever orders were being given. Indra could hear the occasional gunshot ring out, but she didn't move. She couldn't after being whipped and beaten her had been strung up for days, a symbolic crucifixion for these people, they would walk by her wiping the walker remains from themselves and onto her. For them, it meant they were one with them that they had adapted and overcome. But it held a different meaning for her - it meant time was running out. That soon blood would be spilled, letting her turn so they could wear her like a coat. After a few freezing nights she became numb, apathetic to the goings on around her._

 _Then their leader_ _had come to her in the night, looking up with something akin to pride._

 _"Oh, child, if only you held that look when you were found, what you are feeling is the way things are meant to be, but I am afraid things have been set if you were to go free now those feelings you hold would fade, and you would be weaker than before. But at least you know what true life is supposed to be."_

 _If it was life, she would gladly greet death, and so she waited, scrunched up on the ground. Indra didn't care that she was naked for these people to see, didn't care about the weeping wounds, or fractured bones, and didn't care that others were being slaughtered in front of her. She felt nothing, and yet felt everything, to get away from this, these people, it would be fine. Except…despite what she told herself she felt the wetness fall from her cheeks, evidence as the droplets were soaked up by the sidewalk. She didn't know what she felt, the exhaustion taking over._

 _More screaming could be heard, this time she was able to note the more frenzied volume, and her shoulders screamed as she tried to huddle herself closer, embracing the little warmth she still held to block it all out. It was then she felt one of them crouch down beside her, shutting her eyes, doing her best to face away._

 _"We got a live one here, boss."_

 _She_ _felt another presence approach, and wanted to scoot away, her body rejecting the idea before she could think to put it in motion._

 _"Jesus Christ, what kind of sick fucks do something like this?"_

 _She_ _could feel this one lean down as the other got up, flinching when her face was touched, and something draped along her body._

 _"Easy, easy there darlin' you're safe now, those dumb shits won't be hurting anyone else anytime soon."_

 _"Sir, a few of them were able to –"_

 _"We'll deal with it later, Simon. Can you open your eyes for me, darlin'?"_

 _It was funny how his tone changed, one being a man in charge to one with concern._

 _"It's okay, I promise."_

 _Hesitating, she let her lids flutter open being met with eyes the color of gingerbread._

 _"Well, holy shit there darlin' those eyes could put the goddamn sun out of business. You're conscious that's good, can you tell me your name?"_

 _R_ _eluctant, not only was her body protesting the effort, she knew nothing of this man, but from his stance she could tell he was used to getting his way, a smirk that could only be described as arrogant lit up his face._

 _"I don't look that bad do I, darlin'?"_

 _She_ _blinked up at him, remaining silent. The smile changed on him then into something more delicate._

 _"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but we're going to have to move you so we can get you somewhere to be looked at. We got a doctor back at our base and he's good, he'll take care of you all right? I'm_ _going to pick you up now, I'll try to be as gentle as I can."_

 _True to his word he picked her up with as much grace as he could, and she picked up on the smells of leather and smoke from him. She couldn't look away from him, and despite the unease of being taken by a stranger, a man who could hurt her just as easy as she had been a mere few hours ago, she felt contented._

 _"Who…are…you?"_

 _It hurt, her throat parched, but thought the genuine smile he gave was worth it._

 _"She speaks! My name's Negan, sunshine…well holy hell, I think we just found you a new name. That is until you give us yours."_

 _"Us?"_

 _"The Saviors, that's what we call ourselves."_

 _Indra_ _wanted to ask more, tell him herr name, thank him, but entering the RV, the warmth of the vehicle combined with the warmth of him she allowed her body to go into a restful sleep._

There was no rest now, and going over to look in the mirror she debated taking a shower again. Without knocking someone entered her room, turning to yell at the intruder, unease settled in.

"You didn't have breakfast with me this morning."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Heard you finally had trouble with the mongrel."

She tried to stay calm, but watching Negan walk around her room your anxiety levels were going up. People say they can smell sex, could he? Was it still in the air? Could he notice she changed the sheets, the remorse on her face?

"It was just a misunderstanding.

"He made you cry is all I know."

"I asked Gavin –"

"I know what the fuck Gavin said! You keep forgetting what he is here, darlin', he's a prisoner, a mutt, and both require proper training to function properly."

"Please, I don't want you to hurt him."

Negan cocked his head while cinching his jaw. "You show too much mercy to him, Indra, and as much as love that trait about you I want you to tone it down. You think I don't see it, don't you? The way he's changing you, well, I can see pretty fucking good."

She gave him an incredulous look. "I've changed? Everything has Negan, including you."

"How the fuck have I changed? I've given you everything –"

"Including my days away!"

"The fuck you talking about?"

"You know why I didn't bring you your breakfast, Negan? Because I already knew you had company, I knew it was my day and I needed you, when guess what, you were too busy screwing Frankie's brains out."

He was stunned, not only by what she said, but the way she was standing up to him, the harsh tone being used. It surprised her too, but knew it was a defense mechanism, anger covered suspicion and it was much easier to blame others. If Negan hadn't been fucking Frankie she could have stayed with him, if he had just been alone she wouldn't have went to Daryl and wouldn't have started this tornado.

She watched him searching for something to say and sighed.

"I get it, Negan, I do, you don't want to go through it again, but you need to tell me. Just tell me you want an out and you can have it."

 _Tell me you don't want me anymore. Tell me it's too much. Tell me to leave. Spit on me, tell me I'm worthless now._

His eyes snapped to hers, a flash of anger replacing the shame. "You need to watch what you say, Indra, I don't need a fucking out. I'm a grown ass man and I can admit I fucked up, I didn't know what the hell I was doing last night, I'm losing my fucking mind worrying about you and I needed something to take the edge off, Frankie was the closest thing there. So, yeah, I fucked myself into oblivion to forget all this shit for a while. I didn't mean…I didn't do it to hurt you, sunshine."

Of course he wouldn't make it easy, bracing her hands on the dresser you felt like crying again.

"Don't be doing that shit now."

She put a hand under her nose to stave off the sniffling. "I can't help it."

Coming up to her, Negan placed his hands on her shoulders. "Look darlin', I gotta go on a run today, but when I get back we're going have us a nice long chat, okay?"

That sparked the anxiety again, but nodded.

"You can stay in my room until I get back."

Noting your expression he grinned. "The sheets have already been changed. You'll stay with me for a few days, sunshine girl."

She was going to debate this, what about the other girls and all that but settled for nodding again. He kissed her temple, letting his palm linger on her face.

"I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Be safe."

"Always, darlin'."

She still felt bad, but somehow better at the same time. She wanted to mend things with Daryl, try to get him out, to know he's safe everything would be fine.

 _What if he wants you to go with him?_

After this morning she doubted that, remembering the somber look in his eyes she knew what trust he put in her had to be gone. Sighing, she glanced at the clock, knowing Tanya would be waiting for her in the greenhouse. She needed a distraction, something akin to normalcy and you knew she had something she wanted to tell her earlier anyways. Oddly, it was colder now than it had been earlier, and wished she had a worn a heavier jacket.

"What are we picking today?"

She giggled as Tanya jumped. "Geez, a little warning would be nice."

Indra shrugged. "But it wouldn't be as fun, you look cute."

Most of the wives were made to wear dresses, allowing them give off a feminine air, usually she broke this rule and Negan looked the other way so she can be comfortable, but being able to hang out with Tanya in her wooly sweater and jeans was always nice. It was as if they were normal friends.

"Thanks, you look pretty cute too."

"Thanks, have you already turned the timer for the sprinklers?"

"No, but I replaced the water in the filter, it was getting grody."

"Cool, I'll set it, what was scheduled to be picked today?"

Tanya shrugged. "Cabbage, carrots and cauliflower today."

"The three c's, awesome."

Setting to work, she tried to be in a more hurried pace hoping to get the job done more quickly. How was it she was hot one minute and freezing the next? Her fingers and nose was starting to lose feeling and she had to stop periodically to blow warm air into her hands.

"So, what were you being all secretive about this morning?"

Tanya gave an impish grin. "Oh, I just know a little something about a certain blonde sister wife."

She was baffled. "Okay…"

"Amber –"

"I know her but I mean, okay…"

Tanya put her hands on her hips. "Come on, haven't you wondered why our shifts keep changing, we've hardly got to work together the last several days and it hasn't even left you a little curious?"

"Well, no, not really, what does Amber have to do with our shifts? She doesn't work."

"Nope, but Mark does."

"Oh."

Indra knew Amber and Mark had been together before coming to the Sanctuary, but she never knew they still talked to one another, what with Mark working and doing runs and Amber staying near the common area.

"So they, are they?"

"I certainly think so, I looked at the shift schedules and each time Mark gets moved to the upper floors, close enough to our rooms but far enough away so Negan won't pay attention, varying in different sectors so there isn't a pattern. They're good, I'll give them that, but if I can see it someone else will too."

"Maybe not, I don't see anyone else wanting to play detective."

Tanya laughed, but the smile quickly faded. "She needs to be careful, I don't even get why she's doing it, but if she doesn't stop Mark's going to end up like Dwight."

She shuddered, she didn't watch the spectacles of the iron and whatever violent act was on display, but on those days even after the room was put back the way it was the smell of burning flesh remained. A few months ago she'd fully agree with Tanya, why would Amber cheat on Negan? How could she possibly betray the man that took such good care of all of them? But now, now she kind of knew better than to say anything. In a way she could see why Amber and Sherry had wanted to be with their previous loves.

She also knew they were in this under different circumstances. Sherry had been put in this unwillingly from the beginning, but Amber, she wanted to be able to get things to help support her mother and be able to live comfortably. Most of the wives had done that, wanting comfort in such a hellish world. But Indra hadn't, she did it because she had felt something, had loved Negan. Her inner dialogue had to be taking too long because Tanya was looking at her funny.

"You okay?"

She tried to smile. "Yeah, I just hope she knows what she's doing."

Tanya's face went bleak. "Me too."

After cleaning the soil off herself you bundled up in a thicker sweater to try and preserve the little heat her body was producing. Grabbing a tray she got double portions and hoped she'd be able to drop some off to Daryl, that he'd take it. With him being in trouble she didn't know how heavy his supervision would be. But as usual the guards on duty were goofing off, or better yet fighting over something.

One of them taking their shirt off and shoving one of the men away. Rolling her eyes she made her way through the block and knocked on the door. Of course there wasn't a knock back, hadn't been expecting it, but the habit was there and she had wanted to hope a little. Taking a bobby pin, she cursed when it nearly broke in the lock. She let it slip further in until it touched the lock and she was able to turn it and pull it out, relief rushed over the metal was cracked badly and if it had gotten stuck things would get worse.

"Hey."

He wouldn't look at her, not even acknowledging that she was there.

"I know you're mad, I don't - it wasn't a mistake, I don't regret what we did, what I feel for you, but I do regret how much I'm hurting you, how I'm going behind Negan's back. I know you hate him, and yes, he might love me in a way that's conventional but he cares and that's something. I don't want to hurt either of you anymore, Daryl. I just want to get you home. I want you to be with your loved ones, to be free and happy again."

He still wouldn't look at her, but the way he squirmed she knew he was listening.

"You gave me something that I can't ever thank you enough for, you opened my eyes, I want a better purpose before I go and I'm going to do whatever I can to find it. But I don't know, that's all I know is that I know nothing of how this - us, Negan, I guess the best thing is to stop. Not let there be any suspicion on us and I'll get you out."

He snorted then and she jerked in response. "Ya don't get it, do ya? I'll get out when I want, ya don't have to be brought in this. I came here for my family, I've been stayin' for you. It's hard for ya, I know, he's taken care of ya for so long, ya've been blinded though, shielded from what he is and what he does. Did you know he bashed my friends' heads in?"

She shook her head.

"They were good people, wanting a good life, one was gonna be a dad. I bet the fucker does that a lot not letting you know, I bet you think he barters for all the shit he brings in, he doesn't. He pillages, traipsing in like he owns the damned place and takes what he wants by force."

"I'm so sorry about your friends, he goes too far sometimes. I know that, and I am aware of some of the things he does. I get it here's a monster out there, but he's not in here, I don't think he'd ever hurt me."

"Even if he finds out what ya did with me?"

She stiffened. No, he wouldn't hurt you, but Daryl…

He shook his head. "I'm pissed as hell at ya, but I know, I get it, he puts that mask on for ya so ya don't see it but you will. You might not think so now, but one day it'll slip off and you're gonna be scared, and when that happens you remember that I'll be waiting for ya."

She shouldn't have done it, but couldn't help putting her arms around him, shivering when she felt his nose in her hair.

"One way or another your little finch ass is gonna learn to fly."

Indra laughed then, and were a bit disheartened when he pulled away.

"Get on out of here, before the fuckers come rooting on back here."

She nodded, he was right, and kissed his cheek. Telling him she'd check on him when she could. It hurt her to shut him back in the dark.

She wasn't hungry, a familiar numbness was creeping over and it scared her. She didn't want to shut things off only wanted to figure this out. She wanted to know what she wanted, wanted to let everything be fine and intact when a decision was made. Her grandmother was very wrong here or out there nothing was certain.

Still cold, the air outside and the moisture trapped inside climbing into her bones. Heading into Negan's room she grabbed his comforter and sat in one of the chairs making sure it faced the window. With the cold and grey she wondered if it would snow soon, had wanted it to, but with the cold sinking in she wasn't so sure now. She wanted her temperature to regulate, maybe she should go to Carson, but there was no point. What could he do? He might give her some oxygen which may help, it might help circulation, or he may give pain medicine which wouldn't help at all. But she was tired, physically and mentally, sleep was the best option right now, and she hoped to wake up much warmer than she was now.

Upon waking she had been moved to the bed, happily warmed, able to feel her toes. Sitting up, she felt a little disoriented, head fuzzy as she thought about getting up. Looking over at the clock her heart leapt, sitting there was a silver tree topper. Picking it up, she cradled it, feeling the tacky texture of the glitter as she traced the swirls of metal.

"You like it?"

Startled she saw Negan with a towel draped around his waist, another being used to dry his hair.

"I love it."

"A little late, but I thought -"

"Thank you, it means a lot you remembered."

"I know Christmas isn't what it used to be, hell, another day for most but I wanted to make it special and I'm sorry I didn't find it for you sooner."

"It's okay, Negan, you know Christmas wasn't really anything to me since I was little. You got to make it special for yourself, and it's been nice. You never did say if you and Lucy liked your presents."

It was odd, Daryl telling her about the bat being used to beat his friends and yet were able to think of it as just a fixture. It never scared her before, and not now. But like Daryl said she never saw the gore that it inflicted.

"She loved it, a little to girly for me but what the hell."

Indra had knitted Negan a scarf one to go under his trademark red one, one that would actually warm his neck out in the cold, but for Lucille she had found some spare rubber, and after stitching leather and doilies around it to give it as a carrying case. Someplace where it could just be a bat, and not a weapon.

"I'm glad."

They were both silent for a while, but you could feel his stare.

"You know how special you are to me, don't you, Indra?"

Her lips pursed, and shrugged a shoulder. "I know, it's just hard to know how you feel sometimes. Like how am I special to you?"

"Because you're not staying here for an ulterior motive, I know you stayed for me, that's some shit I ain't used to, not since - I care more about you than anyone else in this world. I don't know what the fuck I'd do if you weren't fucking here."

She made to get up but quickly fell back to the bed, Negan right by her side.

"I don't know why I'm so tired now."

"Might be a side effect."

"Of what?"

His smile was one of a little boy with a secret. "Why'd you think we went on a run today, sunshine, I told you I'm not losing you, so we went scavenging the hospitals and pharmacies and found you some chemo drugs. I had Carson check it out before giving it to you."

"You gave me chemo, while I was sleeping?"

He shrugged meekly. "You were out for a while, darlin'. He wants to give it to you in small doses this week and see how your body does, you're not going to be feeling great overall but it'll be all right. It'll make you better."

"I'll lose my hair."

"You might not, besides who fucking cares, your head gets cold I'll get you a damn hat. You think I'm going to give a shit about hair?"

"I could be made completely infertile."

Negan stood the towel slipping. "You think I give a fuck! What part of I'm not losing you do you not get? You're mine, Indra, and I'm not losing this, what the fuck we are."

"Show me."

"Show you what?"

She smiled, tugging the rest of the towel down. "Please, just show me how you feel, about us, about me, I want this while I'm still me."

"You'll always be you, sunshine."

"But like you said things are changing. I want to forget about all of it right now."

She could feel the moisture clinging to his skin as he laid next to her. "I can do that."


	7. The Good and Bad News

She felt the sheets under her as she was put back to bed again, she hated it, hated being dependent on people like this. It wasn't as bad as it had been before, not even close, within that first week you couldn't lift your head from being so frail, which had sickened her more. She hadn't lost her hair, not much of it anyways, not enough to be noticeable. But there had been enough strands in the brush after one stroke to know it was the medication. She knew she had to go to the bottom before climbing up and be strong again, but wasn't it time yet? Carson had stopped with the IV's a month in, and now it was a month later, she should be feeling a little better, shouldn't she?

Indra was doing a lot better than before, the past few weeks she had started to move around more, even allowed to sit in the common area for a while. But she felt terrible. She wasn't a doctor and would never claim to be, but did know she wanted this over with. If she had known what it would entail she might've forgone the whole damn thing. She felt her stomach start to churn again, and made herself sit up.

"You okay?"

 _No, Sherry, I'm not._

The nausea was the worst part; it never ebbed, stomach always gurgling. She didn't want to eat, tried to avoid it, but Negan caught on, the swirling and moving food around her plate, spitting it in a napkin. Yeah, the trick was caught straightaway, he sat down at every meal he could after that, checking every crevice she could hide something in. He was actually doing well with it, better than her, then again he wasn't going through the same things. But every complaint she had, every time she tried to cause trouble and ruffle him, or gave criticism he took it with a smile.

He kept her mostly in his room, cradling her at night like a glass doll, softly as not to bruise or break, but firmly enough to let her feel him. It was those little things that made such a difference to her. Like how he'd cut up her food, talking about whatever came to mind, as though she couldn't see him do it if his mouth was moving, or how he would rub lotion on her patchy skin every morning and evening, or the times he'd bundle her up and take her to the greenhouse to sit, reading softly to her.

But he wasn't here now, no, and when he wasn't here Daryl had been allowed to fill in, making Indra a grateful wreck. He had wanted Sherry or one of the girls to do the bulk of handling her when he was away, and have a male guard nearby in case she needed to be carried. But she didn't want them to, and by the way most turned green at the sight of her retching they didn't want to either. After a whole list of potentials had been crossed off, it had been left to Daryl to pick her up and down. She wasn't sure where he found the strength to do so, him being beaten for his escape attempt. But he had, and it was a mess, Daryl being just as sweet as Negan in caring for her, the whole thing making her burst in tears at spontaneous moments, causing whichever one was with her to draw back in alarm.

She was about to start crying now, felt him beside her, moving her hair back while a bucket was placed on the bed. She waited for the hiccups the onset of the purge her eyes barely opening to look at the bottom of the bucket. It came on all at once this time, a small burp and the discharge. She groaned, tired, there wasn't anything left inside to belly up.

"Maybe I should get her some crackers."

Oh, God no. Anything near her stomach would tear it to shreds right now. She tried to breathe the pain back, shaking her head while she did.

"You need something in your stomach Indra, you'll start dry heaving again if you don't."

Sherry was right, and that was far worse than this. It was then she felt small circles being rubbed on her back, and tried to give a sheepish smile to Daryl, knowing she was failing placed her head on the rim of the bucket.

"I want this over with."

"I know, it will be, you just need time."

She looked up at Sherry then, her brown eyes full of sincere concern, and she wanted to thank her. But her stomach rebelled and she burrowed her face again like an ostrich.

"Knock, knock!"

Indra could hear Tanya's chirpy voice, and she cringed from the volume.

"I brought lunch."

"Ugh."

"Aww, you're welcome. It's just soup and oyster crackers, but it should fill you up."

She sat the tray on her lap, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

"I have some gossip while you eat."

"You act like we're in grade school, Tanya."

She rolled her eyes at Sherry before turning back to Indra.

She shrugged. "I don't mind, nice to know what's going on."

Tanya smirked. "See? A kid tried to ambush us."

She looked up from pushing around the crackers. "What?"

Tanya nodded her head excitedly. "I know, right? Of course he didn't get far, but he's like barely sixteen or something and he shoots down two guys, how screwed up is that?"

She could feel Daryl bristling beside her, listening intently.

"Did he say why he was here?"

They both turned to Sherry then, and Tanya shrugged. "Why do you think? Apparently Negan killed some of his group and he wanted revenge or something. But like I said he didn't get far, Negan's taking him around for now; don't know what he'll do with him yet. He's a cute little guy though, has a cowboy hat and an eye patch."

Indra could feel Daryl stiffen fully now, and she put her hand on his shoulder.

"You okay?"

He grunted but didn't answer. He never did when the girls were in the room, but she knew without words something was wrong.

"Do you think Negan will let him go?"

Tanya looked at you like you were crazy. "He shot down two guys, Indra."

"He's a kid, though."

"If we had a jury they'd try him as an adult and put him on death row."

She was getting restless now. "If we had a jury we wouldn't be using the flippin' iron."

She'd talk to Negan, sure he wouldn't hurt the boy, but had to hear what he was going to do with him. She felt hands trying to push her back to the mattress and looked to Daryl sternly.

"I'm not sitting this out. I want to make sure he's okay. It means something to you, I can tell, so let me do this."

He stepped aside on that, and though the girls protested grabbed for some clothes in her dresser.

"Well, looky in here, we got ourselves the making of a slumber party. But then again, aren't they meant to be spent in bed?"

She looked to her husband who was glaring at her, agitated that she had gotten up from bed.

"I wanted to see the boy that's here."

"Ah, you heard of our guest, sure darlin', after we have a chat with the doc here you can dress and sit in the common room. As long as you're not saying you have a thing for younger men now."

"I heard he shot –"

"We'll talk about it after the doc, now everyone else can leave." He pulled a pistol from his belt, cocking it, before handing it to Tanya. "Dovey, Logan's waiting downstairs to take Daryl to the playground for some exercise, you take our beloved canine down to him and if he acts up you put a bullet in his head."

"I could –"

"No, darlin', sit down. Bye-bye folks. Private meeting in session."

She watched them leave, knowing Tanya was nervous to be holding a gun on someone, hopefully it'd be okay since Sherry was with her. Negan sat across from you on the couch with a wide grin on his face.

"You want the great or better news?"

She shrugged. "Great, works for me."

"Tell her doc."

She cocked a brow before turning to Carson who was giving a gentle smile.

"Your blood count seems to have improved significantly, Indra."

"Do you think that means the chemo worked?"

"We cannot be a hundred percent, but I do believe it has increased your odds of survival. I'm afraid with the spirometer your lungs haven't improved much, but I'm optimistic. We are going to sit back for a little while and just observe how you do. You're still very fragile right now, Indra, and if you'll need more of the medication, to see if there's anything we can tweak here and there to help you along."

She was going to cry. "Oh my God, that's great, that's wonderful. I know, like you said it's not a for sure thing, but it feels good. I might get to stop feeling sick and be normal for a change."

She went to Negan, letting herself fall into his lap. "I get to live! Maybe I can go out with you now, not necessarily on runs, but we could go riding somewhere. We could –"

She could do anything now. For now, whatever, who cared? She was overwhelmed by the giddiness, and was brought back by the Negan's beard on her neck.

"You might want to give her the other news doc before she decides she want to dig to China."

Carson cleared his throat, obviously pleased to bring good news. "Well, you see, Indra, we should have caught this a month ago –"

She looked up to Carson in fear. "What, something else is wrong?"

"No, sunshine, just listen."

"It is a good piece of news, I think, but we've been keeping such an eye on your blood count and trying to use what we can to see if your white cell count is in balance we never paid attention to your hCG's."

"Which are?"

Carson grinned. "You're pregnant, Indra."

Time seemed to tilt. "I'm what?"

She could feel Negan's arms wrap around her, his palms pressing onto her stomach. "You're gonna be a mommy, sunshine. And I'm going to be a dad. A FUCKIN' DAD!"

"But we haven't…not since, how?"

Carson smiled. "Like I said I'm afraid we weren't looking for it, but I'd say when looking back at the charts you're about two months along."

"Two months?"

"About that."

Two months? Two months ago she had been with Negan, but had also been with…Oh, God.

"I don't feel so well."

"It's a lot to take in I'm sure."

She nodded to the doctor letting her head fall to her knees to stave off the nausea. She felt Negan's hand on her back, rubbing in his standard up and down, Negan in lines and Daryl in shapes. She kept bringing them each in her mind and she wanted to bang her head on a brick.

"This is all completely natural; the nausea will subside within the fourth month usually. With the medication given we cannot be too sure of what all is the pregnancy and what isn't but we'll do our best to help you manage it."

"Thank you, both of you, it is good news. I just…it's so much…I can't…"

She had started to cry, the inside of her chest going cold. She felt herself being pulled in Negan's arms, him pressing her head to his chest.

"Is this fucking normal too, doc?"

"Afraid so, with the chemo and the pregnancy her hormones will be all over the place for a long while. But she won't always be crying, mood swings include anger too –"

"I wish you both would stop talking like I'm not here."

"Well, there she goes."

Indra could hear the grin in his voice, and wanted to smack it off him. But knew he had wanted this, for such a long time he had, and she had wanted it for him. But if it wasn't his, if it wasn't…All she could think of is Negan's lip curling in disgust when the baby looked up at him with blue eyes. But all babies had blue eyes when they were first born, don't they? She was sure se had read or heard that somewhere. But what about Daryl? Didn't he have the right to know? In a way, did it matter; there was no way to do a paternity test. There was no way…

"Come on, darlin'."

"Where are we going?"

"The common room, you said you wanted to meet the boy and there's some things I need to take care of with one of the girls so you can play hostess while I deal with it. So let's go, make sure Dave hasn't killed him yet."

She was tired, fatigue coursing through, but worked through it. Not wanting Negan to see and have to be sent back to the room.

"What will you do with him?"

"Hmm?"

"The boy, he is a boy, a child right?"

"I ain't going to kill him darlin'."

"Not really an answer."

"You got enough to worry about right now, than to worry about him, just relax."

"Ladies! And how are we this fine afternoon?"

Negan didn't wait for an answer, craning his head to the corner of the room where David was ready with his gun.

"Alright Davey, stand down. Come here, kid, got someone you can meet."

Tanya had been right, he couldn't be over eighteen, he had gauze wrapped around his head to cover his eye and, well, she knew it wasn't a cowboy hat but it was a hat.

"Carl, meet Indra, my sunshine, light of my life, wife. Kind of sing songy, isn't it?How about you two go sit over there and get acquainted. And kid, you may want to be extra nice to her, because how you treat that one is how I'll treat you. Now Sherry, may I talk to you, dear wife?"

She motioned for him to sit on the love seat, he seemed anxious but was making a desperate attempt to not show it. She gave him a kind smile, gesturing to the checkerboard that was laid in the middle.

"You play?"

He nodded, not looking up at her. Putting the pieces in place you let him go first.

"I like your hat."

"Thank you."

"It's not a cowboy hat, is it?"

He snorted. "No ma'am, it's a sheriff's hat."

Her eyes lit up in recognition. "Oh, a super trooper hat. Haven't seen one in so long I never would have gotten figured it out."

"Yeah, I guess my dad may be one of the few still left."

"Your dad's a cop? Does he know you came here then?"

He looked up, skeptic distrust in his eyes. "Why? Is your 'husband' making you ask me?"

She ignored the tone, shaking your head at him. "No, just if I was your parent and you went off to a place like this I'd probably scream at you until every walker in the state came on us."

His posture relaxed then. "Yeah, he probably will. If I make it out."

"You will, Negan won't hurt you. But you shouldn't have killed those men."

"He probably shouldn't have killed my friends."

"I know it doesn't help, but I'm sorry about your friends."

"It doesn't, but thanks. You don't look like them, you know?"

"Huh?"

He tried to fight a smile. "The other women here, you don't look like them, the way you dress and stuff."

Indra looked around the room, yeah, Negan usually preferred black, but it made things dreary. Usual she had settled for pastels, today a sunny yellow long sleeve dress and boots, it was warm and comfortable, bright, and not showing much skin. No, she didn't look like the rest.

"I suppose I don't. That bad?"

"Guess not, does that mean you're his favorite or something?"

Her lips parted on that. She had no idea. "I don't know, perhaps. I think there are traits in each of us he likes best."

"Talking about me I see."

Looking up she saw Negan smiling coyly at her, holding a hand out for hers. Letting him have it he thrust a brown bottle into her palm before going across the room. Taking a sip started to spit it out.

"This is diet!"

"Why I didn't want it, sunshine!"

She snorted, looking back to Carl who was looking at the bottle. "Diet beer?"

She smiled. "Root beer. I can't have alcohol."

"You that young?"

Indra laughed, shaking her head again. "No, just not a good idea for me. You want it?"

"Sure, haven't had any kind of soda in a while. You know, he looks at you different too."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged, taking a chug. "I don't know, he always looks like he's scheming something, trying to tear someone apart and analyze them. He just doesn't with you."

"That's sweet, in a way. I think. Carl, do you somehow know someone named Daryl?"

The boy's head cocked up with the name. "Daryl, you know Daryl?"

"Yes, how do you know him?"

"He lived with us in Alexandria, I've known him even before that…when this all started. He's –"

"Family?"

"Yeah, he is."

"He said the same thing about the people there. But I don't understand, are you, did they make you a soldier there?"

"A soldier? What do you mean?"

"I-I was told that most people from Alexandria were soldiers that took over other neighborhoods, Daryl told me that one of his friends had a wife, but I heard not many women live there. That it was male oriented –"

"Where did you hear all that crap?"

"Around, things circle around here, it's not like Negan will tell –"

"THAT'S RIGHT! YOU DO NOT…cheat on me."

Indra went rigid at the words. Amber. She had been caught.

 _And it could've just as easily been you._

The way he whispered the words, the subtle hurt behind them. It may as well be her. She had hurt him just as much without him knowing, but...numbing up, squeezing her eyes shut to drown out the words.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine, Carl, but thanks."

His eye scanned over her, he could tell she was lying but didn't press it.

"Sunshine, will you go get Carson for me in a minute?"

"Sure, why?"

"Somebody needs to be punished darlin' that's all you need to know."

"With Amber…did you - were you hard on her?"

"Now why is everyone asking me that? No, darlin', I wasn't though I can be very hard in general."

"Don't talk like that in front of Carl."

"He's an asshole, why does he care?"

Negan spun around to Sherry who was filling her tumbler. "And I know that too, dear, but funny thing is you like it. Which is why is stuck around this long. You know the truth just like the rest of us here."

She held your breath, watching them stare the other down before she saw Dwight drag Daryl in with a tray.

"Why is he back in that sweat suit?"

"Because I want him to be sunshine, doggy needed a little exercise, didn't want to get those nice clothes you got him dirty, now did we? Carl, grab this tray for me."

Taking the try Indra saw Carl whisper something in Daryl's ear, Daryl's eyes flicking to hers briefly.

"Why you got him here?"

"Whoa! What we talk about when you're not here is none of your business."

He looked back to Sherry then who nodded sourly before going back to her drink.

"All this damn glum in here, how about you congratulate me Dwighty boy!"

"Congratulations."

Negan snickered, making his way behind Indra and placing his hands softly on her shoulders. "You don't even know what the fuck for. You see this one right here, all you girls better be looking at her. This is the only one here who has a fucking clue. All of you might have your own goddamn agendas here but this one is the only one who gives two shits for me. Don't know what the hell exactly I'll do with you yet, but it's over, this girl here is the one. Always has been I'd say. But she…she is going to make me a daddy."

She could hear the girls gasp, as she blushed, looking down.

"Yesiree just found out today. Even going through all the shit she's going through she was still able to give me the best gift someone could ask for. Which isn't hard compared to the rest of you."

"Congratulations, sir, to you both."

"Thank you, Dwight."

Raising her head up she could see Daryl staring her down, his eyes wide, nostrils flaring as he tried to fight Dwight from dragging him away.


	8. Fractures

Negan had taken Carl to his room, and when the girls flocked back to Amber to comfort her Indra took the moment to gather herself and leave to alert Carson. That look Daryl had given. He knew there was no doubt about it, that he could be the father. It still wasn't real, it probably wouldn't be for a good while, but to place a hand on her stomach and think there was life in there – it was incredible.

And terrifying, not just with everything that was going on, but the fear that she could ever become your mother, to fail your child so miserably, or worse, to not be there at all. She didn't know how good of a fix the chemo had done, the half-full part wanted to think everything was fine, she was cured, but that's not how it worked. It took follow-ups and more extensive tests to make sure things were normal, something that wasn't here anymore. But she intended to do whatever it took to stay as long as she could. Especially now that she had something to live for, someone who would depend on her.

Knocking on the door, she heard the mumbled greeting seeing Carson looking over papers.

"Oh, Indra, do you need something for nausea?"

"Oh, um, no, but thank you, I'm afraid Negan asked me to get you. That he was going to punish someone soon."

Carson sighed, taking his glasses off and putting them in his coat pocket. "I never look forward to these days. I'll be down there as soon as I grab my bag."

"Thank you, Carson."

"You are doing all right, aren't you, Indra?"

The question surprised her. "Yes sir, as much as I can be, I'm a little queasy and tired but I can handle it. Why?"

"I know you push your symptoms aside a lot, and with so much happening at the rate it's going – just remember to keep them in check, and alert someone. We need to keep on top of things here on out."

"I know, thank you again, Carson, for everything."

"No, problem, dear, I should get down there."

She didn't know if Negan was still with Carl in his room, he probably wouldn't want her in there if he were; maybe she could head outside by herself for once since everyone would have to attend the punishing. Taking note that the common area was empty she made her way to the back loading entrance.

"Where ya headed?"

Startled, she stumbled in her step, having to kneel and pick herself up. "What are you doing up here, Daryl?"

"Lookin' for ya. You think I wasn't gonna want to talk about it? How that's my kid?"

"We don't know that –"

"Bullshit! Ever since I've known ya he's been having at ya to get you pregnant, never worked did it? Fucker's shootin' off blanks. We're together one time and now you're…"

They both stared at one another. She could tell he was nervous, the way his jaw was ticking and his hands clenched.

"I'd treat ya right, you know?"

"I know."

"I don't know how good a father I'd be but I'd do my damndest to make sure neither of ya want for nothing. I'd keep ya safe."

"I know."

"We could leave, find our way out together."

"I know, but I don't know if I can."

He didn't answer, his eyes zoned in on her.

"I know it shouldn't be this hard, but it is, I don't want anything happening to either of you. I care about you both, I don't – I don't want anything bad to happen."

"Shit's gonna happen anyway, Indra, you have to know that. With the world like it is now, nothing stays peaceful long. And with how that fucker is, he's brewing up a shitstorm."

"Daryl, I don't know what you want me to –"

"You need to figure it out yerself, and ya need to do it in a hurry. Until then you'll know where I'll be."

"Daryl –"

"I gotta get down there before the goons come lookin' for me."

The sadness that lingered in his eyes, it was going to haunt her. Flopping herself in her room she contemplated cutting herself down the middle to end the conflict, but declined the idea because of the baby.

"You're the only thing I'm sure of now, little one."

Letting her body meld with the sheets she let her mind contemplate back to her dream. How could her grandmother been so wrong? Then again maybe it was just her, with her inability to make a clear cut decision she had made everything in her life uncertain. But there had to be something that could make things definite. Putting a hand on her belly she scoffed.

"You think that'd be you."

What if Daryl was right, what if somehow Negan wasn't able to produce children, what if the child was his? Shouldn't Daryl have the right to be with the baby then? She didn't have much doubt whether or not he'd be a good father, but she thought Negan would be a good dad too. How'd this even happen, she knew, but still, several years ago most of the things she's seen would be implausible, but this…

"Why did I even let it happen?"

"I don't know, but talking to yourself and expecting an answer is just unhealthy."

Tilting her head back, she saw Tanya standing in the doorway.

"It is. But I never claimed to have a stable mind."

She snorted. "I don't think anyone on this planet does anymore."

"What were you needing, not that I mind the company, I could use a distraction from myself right now."

"Negan wanted to speak to you, the iron, it's done."

"Who was it?"

Tanya shrugged. "Mark, of course."

"Yeah, I was afraid the boy as well. Is Mark, okay?"

"As much as he can be, he'll recover."

"Good. Is Amber, okay? I feel bad for not being there."

"Don't, you know we don't expect you to go to those things. Hell, if Negan said I didn't, you think I'd go?"

"I don't know. I just should've been there. Instead of ignoring everything bad that goes on."

"Sometimes it's better to be oblivious."

"Maybe, or maybe it makes things worse."

Tanya went to sit on the corner of the bed.

"I wonder what he's going to do with us. I was stuck doing every task I could to earn points to live day by day."

"We'll figure it out. I won't let him just –"

"Throw us out."

"Tanya…"

She smiled, shaking her head. "Don't be like that; I know you'll do what you can. Honestly, I'm surprised it has taken him this long. I know he collected us for power. But we have eyes you know."

Indra scooted to where Tanya sat, letting your head rest by her thigh.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being you, brass, and honest, I like…I like to think of us as friends, Tanya."

She felt a squeeze on her shoulder. "We are doofus. No matter what happens. Now get your lazy ass up, he's waiting by the loading zone."

"Thanks again."

"Shut up and go."

Indra felt bad leaving her there, her own life clouded with doubt as well. But she didn't want to be kept in those thoughts, and hoped Negan would have something more cheerful for her. She held her breath walking through some of the corridors. Getting closer to the ground level the smell was starting to come through. Singed hair and flesh. The thought was pushing her stomach over, and she had to stop to try to get it under control. It was a relief the doors were open, trucks being checked for oil and gas. She saw Negan outside, Carl nearby, as he swung Lucille around directing the others on where to go. She noticed the eyepatch was gone, a hole where his eye should be. And she wondered what could have happened to a boy so young to have an injury like that.

"Are you leaving?"

"Sunshine! Yeah, we're leaving, got to take Carl home, don't we?"

"I guess, you both be careful out there."

Negan furrowed his eyebrows. "What are you talkin' about darlin'? You're coming with us."

Her head sprang up. "What?"

"Yeah, you've been pretty much begging to get out so I thought, why not take you? Though this is a onetime thing until the baby's born, but with you up and running might as well take advantage while we can."

Elation filled her. "I get to go? In the truck?"

She noticed Carl rolling his eyes at her grin. "Never seen anyone get excited about riding in a truck before."

"Careful, boy, I can still knock that other eye out for you. My girl doesn't need added stress so she doesn't go out without cause. So thanks to you, there's cause. Come on and hop up darlin'."

While Negan was talking an idea whirled in her head, a lot of the crew would be gone, Negan would be gone, she would be gone. It was the perfect chance for Daryl to run.

"Is there enough time for me to grab a jacket?"

"'Course darlin', take what you need, but you better hurry up or we'll be leaving without you."

Indra smiled at her husband before doing her best to sprint down the hall. She had to grab a jacket now that she said it, but had to write a note too. Then a key, God, how was she going to get the key? Writing as fast as she could she stuck the note in an envelope before writing – Go Now! On the front. He had to take this chance. He had to, he had to know that by now.

Scuttling downstairs, her breath was becoming ragged from all the moving around. She'd been in bed for weeks and now it was catching up. Shifting along the wall towards the cells, she was about to turn when she heard something fall and break.

"Motherfucker!"

"What the hell were you thinkin' man?"

She couldn't think of who the one voice was, but the other, you knew, was Joey's.

"Damn it! Will you hurry up and help me clean this up before Gary or one of them comes?"

"Calm down, most of 'em are going to Alexandria, it's cool, alright?"

"Just help me get the shit to clean it up."

"Whatever, man."

Waiting, she listened to the footfalls until they were gone before turning the corner to see glass and liquid all over the floor. Covering her nose, the smell of beer making her belch nausea finding her again. Tiptoeing past the remnants she peeked into the guards' area, thanking God, and whoever else was listening that it was empty. Grabbing the ring of keys she searched until she saw the one etched with an A, taping it on the envelope. Making sure things were still clear she made her way to the door, hunching down to push it under, until her hand was grabbed.

"Daryl? It's just me."

"What the hell ya doin' down here?"

"You have to go, you kept you didn't want any of it to fall back on me, I – I get to go out. I actually get to go outside the fences and go somewhere. This is it, Daryl. This is the chance you need to take."

"Indra –"

"I know, and I'm sorry but you're kind of dumb for sticking around because of me. I don't think I'm worth it. Maybe it's a self-worth thing I'm not sure but you deserve someone better. J-just, no matter what happens after this, please know, please remember that you will always have a part of me. That you awakened me, okay? I don't know what's going to happen, or what I'll do, but please remember that."

She clasped his hand, reluctantly pulling back and ambling away when she heard voices approaching. She ran, from there, letting her lungs ache. Let it hurt. Something was breaking in her, and she wanted it to crack and ooze. She wanted the wound to hurry up and scab so it could heal. This was it, and it's what needed to be done, she only hoped he would take it.

"There she is. We were about to load up, sunshine."

"Sorry it took me so long."

Negan approached her, running a finger along her cheek. "You look flushed, darlin'."

"I know I ran so I could hurry."

"Don't be pulling that shit, you already been in bed for the last few months you don't want to be put back there do you?"

She shook her head, pulling the jacket on. "No, captain, my captain."

He smirked. "Oh, you're getting a smart mouth on you, you better get that ass of yours in the truck before I smack it."

She looked up in the truck. "I have to sit in the back?"

"Women and children in back, how it goes sunshine, unless you want to sit on my lap the whole way."

"I wouldn't mind that. It's your leg going numb not mine."

Negan grinned, playfulness entering his eyes. "I wouldn't mind it either, darlin'. Alrighty then, Carl, you buckled?"Your gaze going to the backseat you could see the young man give Negan the stink eye as he pushed the seat back.

"Better get it on, boy or we ain't going no fucking where."

Letting Negan get in first she heard a sigh fill the cab as he reached for her.

"What about you two? You going to fasten your belts too?"

Negan snorted. "I just love how fucking snippy you are, I guess this is what we have to look forward to in seventeen years, sunshine. Yeah, we're going to buckle up, you're forgetting how fucking fat truckers used to be. I could probably fit you up here and still have room leftover. Now shut your damn mouth."

Starting the engine, Indra couldn't help the giggle as Gary revved the motor. Watching the scenery pass she couldn't believe she were passing the gates, the detached limbs of walkers on the statues as she went through the silent town. She let herself lean back, feeling Negan's heart beating on her shoulder, the little bumps as the road rocked her; it was the most wondrous thing she had experienced in the longest time. Watching the world go by in a slow blur, she took in all she could. Was it beautiful? A lot of it, not really, but heading towards the woods it was. The bare trees swaying, she could smell the bark from the heater.

"Could we open the windows, just for a minute?"

"You getting too hot, sunshine?"

"No, I just want to smell the woods."

Negan snickered upon that, pulling her up higher on his lap. "I don't think a minute will freeze our balls off."

She smiled when he rolled the window down for her, letting herself lean on the edge as the wind whipped in her face. When was the last time she even rode in a car? She remembered hating it, doing countless errands and going to work and school trying to keep herself afloat. But this was freedom. The cold air reviving her senses, soon she couldn't feel her nose and she knew her cheeks would be following; pulling herself in she rolled the window back up.

"Had enough?"

"My nose has."

She smiled when he kissed the tip of it, and she let herself nestle into him. This is what she knew, his smell, his touch, it was familiar and good. All of this at once, it should be the quintessential part of happiness, right? Moving up towards a metal gate covered with a tarp, Negan leaned over with her and let the horn go.

"Wakey, wakey, you dumb fucks! I'm going to have to get up sunshine; you stay in the truck until I tell you to get out."

Indra nodded, shifting to unbuckle so he could get out. He tapped on the gate with Lucille and she could see a shadow cross from behind the sheet. As the gate rolled away she was in awe with what she saw. A suburbs, an honest to God suburbs, she had never been to one except seeing them on television but it was beautiful. It was surreal, especially with everything so neat, the houses pristine and gardens full of color she felt like she had stepped inside a painting. Gary pulled up into one of the driveways, letting the other trucks have a chance to get in.

"Well, Carl, we got you back home - safe and sound. Let's go have a gab session about your antics with your dad."

She didn't have to look to know the boy was scowling, him letting Negan help her out before he jumped out of the truck himself.

"What do you think sunshine?"

"It's not what I was expecting."

Nobody seemed to be on the streets except for the man arming the gate.

"No, no it's fucking not. You doing okay?"

"I need to use the restroom."

"Come on then, darlin'. Rick won't mind if we use his. Will he, Carl?"

Going up the sidewalk, she looked at all the picturesque houses, waiting to see if there would be anyone coming out. Walking up to one she smiled at the yellow of the door that matched your dress. Everything was bright here. Taking Lucille, Negan banged on the door until a woman came and opened the door. She couldn't help but look to Carl. Were there more women here? Were there more kids here like him? From the awkward glance he gave her, he knew she had no idea about what Alexandria entailed.

After Negan pushed his way in, she felt Carl nudge her to go forward.

"Carl, where's –"

"Enid's fine."

There was no one else with him when he arrived at the Sanctuary, none that she knew of, and hoped the person was okay like he said.

"Point my wife in the direction of the shitter, she's pissing for two now."

"Negan!"

"Y-your wu-wife?"

"Yes, my wife, calm down darlin' pregnant women piss way more than normal people do."

"Will you quit saying things like that?"

"I don't know what you're getting upset about."

"May I please use the restroom?"

The woman pointed upstairs. "Up the stairs, go left and it'll be the second to the right."

"Thank you."

"She's so cute when she turns red like that."

Oh, you were going to kick him, but after driving for almost an hour she was about ready to burst.

"So, where's Rick?"

After using the restroom, she let yourself clean up. Rick must be the leader here. Rick who was Carl's dad, who was a sheriff. That Indra knew. She was told through people that Alexandria was full of male soldiers and were dangerous. A sheriff could be the leader of soldiers, but there were two women here that she knew of. The one that was Daryl's friend's wife and the lady downstairs, and the woman down there didn't appear a soldier. This was confusing, and becoming a good indicator that she shouldn't listen to people and their rumors. This changed her viewpoint on the place.

Turning out the light, she was about to make her way back down until she heard a whimper. It was quiet and she thought she had imagined it until it came again, this time louder. She wasn't familiar with the sound, and going to the door that held the source she knew it wasn't an animal. No, if Indra had to bet money, she'd say it was a –

"Baby?"

An actual baby, more accurately a toddler, but there it was, a she if the little dress was an indication. She whimpered again looking at her, snot running down her nose.

"What's the matter, sweetie?"

She closed her eyes letting the tears spill, blowing bubbles out of her mouth.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

Searching, Indra saw some tissues on the dresser. Taking a few she went over and gently cleaned the girl's face. The girl watching with big hazel eyes.

"Hey, now, it's okay whatever happened it's okay."

"Buh?"

She smiled. "You trying to talk to me?"

"Dah."

"I like your elephant. It's not as pretty as you are but it's nice."

The toddler looked at her curiously, tugging on the elephant's trunk. A bit scared, she held out her hands.

"You want out, I see you have some toys."

She squealed holding her little arms out to her. She smiled as she rested the girl on her hip, little fists clutching on. So this was what it would feel like? It was nice. It felt right somehow.

"Will you show me what you have?"

Setting her down, she stumbled to the box pulling out blocks and balls, a few cloth dolls, and plastic cups. She picked them up one by one setting them down in front of Indra, narrating it all with her toddler babble. She smiled at her when she took a seat next to her.

"What do you do with this?"

Indra held out the cup, which she took, banging on the end of it, before talking into the opening, amplifying the sound.

"Oh, I see. Maybe we can leave one up, and throw the ball –"

She watched her demonstrate taking a few tries to get one of the balls into the cup. She laughed, the few teeth she had sparkling, and Indra couldn't help but laugh too giving her a ball to let her try.

"Buh!"

"I know you did it."

"Indra! The fuck are you?"

"NO!"

So she does know words.

She smiled watching her go and bang a cup on the door, telling the shouter to cool it.

"The fuck is this?"

"It's just where the water heater is."

Oh, Carl obviously didn't want Negan in here.

"Yeah, because heaters make fucking noises like that."

She motioned for the girl to come back, and she did squealing her girl giggles as she tumbled on her.

"Oh, my. Looks like we found two angels in here."

"Dut."

"I'm sorry, I heard her when I was in the bathroom."

Carl shrugged when Negan handed him Lucille, anxiety looming over his face and body. He couldn't possibly think either of them would hurt a baby.

"What's her name?"

"Judith."

She looked at Judith who was babbling to her brother. "It's a very nice name."

"Thanks, I named her after one of my teachers."

She watched her place her little fingertips together when Negan squatted to the floor.

"I'm too old for this bullshit."

"Say that to me again in a few years."

He grinned at her. "Maybe I'll let you do all the heavy lifting, save my back the trouble."

He was silenced when Judith came over and poked his face. "Well, just what do you think you're doing sweet pea?"

She turned to grin at you. "I think she might like your beard."

He rubbed a hand over the salt and pepper stubble. "I don't know, do you think it says family man?"

"It's hair, it'll say whatever you want it to say."

After watching her play with Judith a while longer, Negan strained to stand up. She couldn't help the giggle that escaped.

"The big, bad Negan being thwarted by popping knees."

"Keep it up there, darlin', and you'll see how bad I am."

She shook her head, making her own way to her feet, rubbing her arms when she stood.

"What's the matter?"

"A tad cold is all."

Negan stripped his jacket off, and handed it to her. "Don't know why you picked the thinnest fucking jacket you have. I know you have thicker ones than that."

"Didn't think it'd be this chilly, plus I thought the excitement would keep me warm."

"Don't know what excitement you thought of, but it's the middle of winter, sunshine. Now, come on, I told what's her name…Olivia! See I can remember her damn name, I told her to make some lemonade for us, why don't you take sweet pea down there while I clean up."

Sliding the jacket on she sighed from the warmth he had left behind. The smell of him embedded into the leather, the sleeves did bypass her hands and it was too baggy to even attempt to zip but it was comfortable.

"Liking my clothes, darlin'?"

"You know I do."

He flashed a grin. "Good, I like seeing you in them. Go get that sweet ass downstairs, when I'm done maybe we can whip us up some lunch."

"Does Judith have a jacket, in case we go outside."

Carl nodded, pulling a little fleece hoodie from the dresser.

"Stay inside for right now, Indra, the guards can't have their eyes on everything. So you wait on me."

She wasn't exactly sure what Negan expected to happen, now that her perspective of the place was warped she wasn't quite sure the level of danger it could be. But she nodded, not wanting to take a chance either way, hefting Judith back up and heading downstairs. On the last step she saw the woman from earlier scrambling around putting items on the kitchen island.

"Do you need some help?"

She jumped. "Oh, no, I'm just trying to find the ingredients he was asking for."

Judith began clenching her hand open and closed gesturing to the sippy cup on the high chair.

"Is it okay if I get her something to drink?"

The woman nodded, hurried. "Yes, of course, I made a pitcher of lemonade over there."

"Thank you. You sure you're okay?"

She wiped her glasses on her shirt and gave a tired chuckle. "I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Me?"

"I just…he's never brought a wife here before. I didn't – he's not holding in captive or something is he?"

"Oh, no! No, I just wanted to ride. I haven't been outside our base in years. You get cabin fever after a while. It's really nice here. Thank you for being so welcoming."

"I-it's no problem. I'm Olivia, by the way."

"Indra, and Negan mentioned you upstairs."

Olivia's eyes widened. "Oh God, was it because I smacked him?"

Her own eyes widened as she laughed. "You did? I wish I could've seen that."

"I-I, he, the things he was saying it made me angry, I couldn't help it."

She handed the cup to Judith, watching her head tip back as she gulped the contents down.

"It's okay, really, he isn't as careful in what he says as he should. He needs to be knocked into place sometimes. So, since all that's out of the way, maybe you can relax just tell me what to get and I'll find it for you."

"That's very sweet of you, but I got it, I have a friend bringing over some more lemonade to make. H-he says he wants to cook."

"He doesn't often, but he gets those domestic urges every now and again."

"It gives you an excuse to kiss the cook."

"I don't need – what happened?"

She looked at Negan in shock. He had shaved. The beard she had seen for years, gone, replaced with a smooth surface. His dimples were now more prominent, making him look younger, and somehow more imposing.

"So, how about that kiss, sunshine?"

"Do I know you?"

"Oh, you're funny."

"Me? Why'd you shave?"

"Told you, I'm a one woman family man now. Gotta to be straight and narrow now."

"Oh?"

"Yep, so how about my little woman come give me a smooch before helping me cook us a meal?"

It was odd to not have the bristly texture caress her face, it was sort of more intimate now, skin on skin, the smell of shaving cream on him still, and she couldn't help the moan that left her lips as he pulled back.

 _Wow, even his grin looks bigger._

She reached up with her free hand to stroke the naked skin, admiring how her fingers glided so effortlessly now.

"You like it then?"

"It's different, but you know I like you any way you are."

He kissed her one more time, before dragging the high chair to the island.

"Put sweet pea in here, while we work. Carl! Get down here! Indra's going to need help with the rolls."

It was astounding; she never pictured to be in such a normal scenario: being in such a nice home, with nice people, rolling out dough, giving some to Judith to play with while Carl shaped them, Negan stirring noodles and chopping tomatoes for sauce.

"Damn that's good! Want a taste, kid?"

Carl's eyes slit but he didn't say anything, Negan shrugged away, chuckling. "What about you, sunshine? I know you haven't eaten in a while, have a taste, and tell me how daddy did."

The spoon was already in her mouth before he finished and she almost choked when he did.

"I'm not the one that's going to be calling you daddy, okay?"

"And why not darlin', it'd be very tempting. How about you, sweet pea?"

He dipped the spoon back in the sauce, blowing on it, before offering it to Judith. Who in turn grabbed it to do it herself.

"See that, she loves it!"

"It is good."

"See I'm more than just a pretty face."

"Sure you are."

He swatted her behind playfully. "Get the table ready. We're going to have us a nice family meal. Olivia, help her with the baby."

She couldn't tell how Carl felt about it, knew he was angry, but he had reluctance to defy. Poor Olivia just seemed nervous, fearful, as she rushed to move Judith and her high chair back to the table, coming back to help take down some plates. She was beginning to feel bad, an intruder, which, in reality she was. But more so now, sitting down at someone else's table eating their food that they had to scavenge. Feeling tired, she took the seat near the high chair.

"Oh, you don't have to do that, I'll feed her."

"If Indra wants to she will, she wants to practice anyways, don'tcha darlin'?"

She didn't answer, her head a little clouded. "Indra? You okay?"

She nodded. "I'm fine. My brain's a little spacey is all."

"You need some food in your belly, here, I'll make you a plate."

"I'm not really –"

"You're eating, end of discussion, you've been eating like a mouse for weeks."

"A bird."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"You said something, darlin'."

He was worried, the sudden change in her demeanor prominent. "I did? I didn't realize I did."

She could feel him behind her, placing the plate on the table. "You're going to eat this, and then you're going to rest. I'm going to have Arat posted so no one bothers us."

"We should probably clean up the kitchen."

"Fuck that. Rick obviously didn't have the fucking manners to show up so we don't have to do shit."

She rubbed her face, she didn't want to argue. "Since Arat will be outside can I sit on the porch to get some fresh air?"

Negan pointed a fork towards her plate. "When you're through eating you can."

Her head jerked at Olivia's snort, Negan's did as well. "Something funny there, Miss Olivia?"

She could tell she hadn't meant to be heard, her voice shaking. "N-no, I just find it odd that she has to ask permission and clean her plate just to go outside."

"Well, if your people weren't so damn gun ho about everything I might feel safe with my wife going where she wanted around here, not to fucking damn mention that you know nothing about our relationship, Miss Fucking Olivia. And you don't know a damn thing about her. She needs to eat, end of story for you."

She took a few bites of noodles to quell his anger, dipping tiny bits of bread in the sauce.

"Does this mean you're Italian, and I didn't know about it?"

She was glad his smile returned. "I'm a mix of many things, sunshine."

Eating half the plate, Negan was sated enough to let her sit on the rockers outside with Judith, who had started dozing in her chair. Her body was still shaky and she didn't know if it were the nerves or the pregnancy that was causing them.

"He know you're outside?"

She nodded to Arat, slipping into the rocker, holding little Judith against as she wrapped the leather jacket around her small body too. The rocking was comforting and she wondered if there was a way to make one back at the Santuary. But then she wondered if she was going to stay there, looking down at Judith's tiny features, eyelids drooping shut, she knew she had to think what would be best for her own child. What that was, she didn't know either, but the chair itself was good. It was enough to calm her and let her own eyes close.

"And I said NO!"

Wincing from the sudden shout, she opened her eyes to see Arat yelling a man. He was nicely dressed, dress shoes and shirt tucked in. She had to admit he was handsome.

"Why are you yelling Arat?"

"Go back to sleep, Indra, it's not your concern."

"I just want to talk to him. Tell him, both of you, welcome."

"That's very kind of you."

He gave a dazzling smile. "Just doing my part."

"I'll see what he's doing."

"Indra –"

She ignored Arat, shifting Judith while opening the door.

"Negan?"

She found him still in the kitchen, wiping down plates with Carl before putting them away.

"You cleaned up?"

"I could tell you'd be pissed if we left the mess, so yeah, should of fucking left it though. You feeling any better?"

"Yeah."

"You still look wiped fucking out. Go lay down on the couch, I shouldn't have let you stay out in the cold this long any damn way. Fucking mess took damn near forever to do."

"Um, there's a young man outside, he wanted to say hello to you."

"To me? Someone comes around the neighborhood to say fucking hello to me? Fuck sake. Olivia! Since Carl and I cleaned up, you can be nice enough to get Indra a blanket, and put the baby down to sleep."

"She's fine, I got her."

"You're too damn tired, Indra. You're going to end up dropping her."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"I usually am."

She wrinkled her nose. "Try again."

Putting his hands on her shoulders he steered her to the couch, helping her lay down.

"Get some rest darlin'. When Rick gets here we'll say hello and leave."

She nodded, her body already settling in the cushions. This was much better than the ones in the common room, this one made to be comfy on than to be decoration. She could hear the screen door swinging and the small bit of cold air that came through was enough to throw her back into the realm of unconsciousness.

 _"I can't do it grandma. I can't decide."_

 _"You have to listen to your heart, shortcake."_

 _"My heart has been ripped in two."_

 _"Then you must go along with the piece that is bigger. You need to know what it is you need in this life."_

 _"I want comfort, love, and security as well as adventure, purpose, and equality. Doesn't help."_

 _"You'll figure it out soon, it's almost time."_

 _"Is it?"_

 _She smiled at her, and she felt the wisp of her lips on her temple._

At first she had thought it was fireworks that had woken her, until she realized the gunpowder smell was from a gun.

"Negan!"

Someone could have shot him, the way he wanted people to stand guard, maybe they got past, and…Throwing open the door her mouth fell open at the sight, a silent cry emitting. The boy from earlier was crumpled on the ground, curled up inwards with what looked like his intestines, his blood soaking so much of the pavement.

"What the shit? What the SHIT! You tried to kill me? You shot Lucille!"

"She got in the way."

Her ears rang from the yelling, seeing a girl tackled as Negan waved Lucille at her. What could have happened for this to take place, everything had been good when she went to sleep, it looked so bleak now, chaos striding in. She was about to ask Negan to stop when –

"Arat, kill somebody."

"NO!"

The cracking went off again and Indra shrieked when Olivia's body toppled down next to her, a single bullet in her cheek. Her hands started to shake, breathing labored. She hadn't experienced this kind of panic in a while, the violence, this is why she needed to avoid it. And the smell, it was terrible, the blood congealing as the organs perforated, she felt her throat close up.

"Stop, you can stop. Please."

He was able to see her now, the grin leaving his face. She was gasping for air like a fish, holding a hand to her stomach as she tried to hold what was inside in. Just like that boy. She was going into tunnel vision and she could feel her body begin to sway.

"OH YOU BETTER CATCH HER GODDAMIT!"

With that the world went black again.

She felt something wet on her face when she came to, seeing a girl wiping her forehead. Another girl, she hadn't counted but there had been some outside, more than she knew. And this girl looked almost the same age as she was. She could've gone to school together for all she knew. And now one of her friends was dead.

"I'm sorry."

She pushed her back down on the couch. "It's okay, calm down, you're okay."

Her voice was soothing and Indra did as she said.

"You got a good bump on the head from the step. It would have been a lot worse if Carl hadn't gotten you."

"Thank you."

"You're going to be okay."

She looked back up to her, expecting some sort of suspicion or malice, but there was none, only concern.

"I appreciate it. Is the baby okay?"

"She's fine, she sleeps like a freight train."

She smiled a little on that. "Good, she shouldn't have to know this."

"No, a lot of us shouldn't though. You rest, I'll get you some water."

She wanted to thank her again, but felt it would become too repetitive and unnecessary.

"You're awake. You had me worried there, sunshine, ain't that right, Rick. I was beside myself and like a good sport he is swooped down to comfort me."

She looked from Negan to the man, sweat slicking his hair, his eyes red-rimmed, body shaking. This was a broken man, a very fractured man. And she was worried from his narrowed eyes and posture if those fractured bits had been put back in right or if they had mended wrong. But she didn't feel any better, the people out there, the people who died and had to watch.

"I'm sorry."

"Indra."

The man looked taken aback at her talking to him, Negan even more so.

"I'm sorry about your friends."

Tears spilt.

"Sunshine, there's no sense in you apologizing –"

"We don't have to do it anymore, Negan, we can leave, let's leave them alone. I want to go home, I just want to go and leave them alone."

She couldn't stop crying, what she saw, the smells, none of this was going to have a happy ending.

"I'm sorry, please tell Carl I'm sorry."

 _Please tell Daryl that I'm sorry, that I didn't understand. That I still don't. But I'm starting to._

Negan lifted her up, and despite the grief she felt for these people the ease that being close to Negan brought helped cease her tears.

"Let's get you home then, darlin'."

She didn't enjoy the ride back, the insides of that boy, the blood, she had to keep her head in her lap most of the time, Negan rubbing it to help her calm down. He carried her back in as well, being stopped by Simon.

"Fat Joseph's dead."

Negan spun them both towards him.

"The fuck you say?"

"His head had been beaten in. Fucker in cell A escaped, we reckon he's the one that did it. Stole one of the bikes too."

"Motherfucker, does it ever fucking end?!"

"Don't know how the fuck he got out, had two guards on the cells and enough on the upper decks –"

"Don't fucking matter does it? He got out. I'm going to put her to bed and we'll handle it."

"Sure thing, boss."

"Daryl's gone?"

Negan sighed. "I'm sorry about your mutt, darlin', but we have bigger things to worry about now."

"May I sleep in my room tonight? I just, I can't deal with this right now."

"Okay, we can do that. We need to start moving your shit in my room anyways. So have the solitude while you can, better or worse after that, got it?"

He was teasing trying to coax her from the gloom, except it didn't work. "I got it."

He took off her shoes and pants, tucking her in the blankets. "You'll feel better in a few days, sunshine. I promise."

"Thank you, Negan. I love you."

She didn't say it too often, afraid of how he'd react, but she felt the need to tonight. And with that beautiful grin he leaned to kiss her forehead. "I love you too, sunshine."

He was gone, and she was stuck with her thoughts. Tossing about until she heard a crinkling sound. Turning on her side she noticed a small edge of paper sticking out of her mattress. Unfurling the note she saw unfamiliar handwriting.

 _'I hope to see you on the Hilltop.'_

Indra choked back a sob – Daryl, it had to be from him. Collapsing on her back, she let herself cradle her belly. She knew what she needed to do now. She only hoped it would take a while before she felt any regret.


	9. With My Heart Still Beating

**{To let everyone know, there will be two endings here. I didn't want to choose and no one should have to, should they? But I am sorry for taking so long; I've been trying to finish a chapter for another fic and didn't want to have my head whirling in another fandom when trying to write it. Thanks for reading! After this I will try and put my other excerpts on here if you guys think you'd like to read them!}**

It was cold, the deadened grass crinkling under Indra's hurried steps. Why did she think it was a good idea to leave at night? Because she knew everyone would be in bed, the guards on post slacking as no one was there to be on their tails. It hadn't been an abrupt escape, she had spent the last few weeks working, and using points to gather up supplies. Because if she bought it with points you weren't stealing, right? Indra hoped so. She tried not to take much. Especially things she hadn't bought, stuffing a change of clothes in a knapsack along with food and a little bit of medicine. She had also bought a compass, though not sure how to use it, especially in the dark, a map she had traced from another and a Swiss army knife.

She wished for a gun right now, each sound ticking off the dangers awaiting. But she couldn't, there was no way to have asked for one without suspicions being made, and Indra wasn't going to outright steal it. She wanted this slate clean, a new beginning and being a thief wasn't how to get there. She had stumbled through her hole in the fence, able to get towards the edge of the woods without too much trouble.

"Maybe I should have taken the road."

But if someone caught her gone, then that was the surest route they would start with. It was kind of eerie the moon casting enough light through the clouds over the slopes and curves of the hills, nary a tree in sight. She moved with each expanse taking a break to catch her breath at every tree she come across, from the map, her destination seemed to be straight for the most part then making a sharp right and going uphill the rest of the way. Keeping her fingers crossed she should be able to make it there by morning. Slumping against the umpteenth tree, she panted, watching the white air billow from her mouth. Indra focused on that, she didn't like sitting long, her brain finding other matters to consult. There was a little guilt already, she had left a note, but the lack of guilt was what made her feel so guilty at the moment. She patted her stomach as it started to roll, hushing the baby as it seemed to cry from her womb.

"We're going to make it, honey."

Picking up the bag, she trudged along. She knew already she wouldn't be allowed to stay at the destination, but she wanted to see him. Show him she was spreading her wings and about to fly. Indra knew where she'd go after, the place she had been making plans to go to before being taken, the Kingdom, hearing they had welcomed anyone who showed up at their gates. That they tried not to engage in violence, that they wanted peace in this non-peaceful world. It sounded like a place where she wanted to make a fresh start, a good place to raise her child. But Indra was going to have to make it to Point A first.

Her legs were stiffening, feeling like they were encased in stone with every step up the slanted land. Falling against the tree she decided to sit a little longer this time, letting her lungs have a break for a while. Her feet squished and knew the ground was wet - it had been in a lot of places through here. The frost melting and refreezing each day and night, except some spots must have been too thick or shaded to become frozen yet. Indra opted to move over finding one facing the moon. Though the cold didn't bother her, she wrapped her jacket a little tighter breathing deep as the wind tousled her hair. Sipping some water she ate a few crackers to appease her belly when she heard it. Indra knew those grunts, the heavy shuffling, she couldn't tell how many there were but there was definitely more than one.

 _You can't panic._

No she couldn't she was too tired to run, and knew she couldn't fight them off if it was a pack. She had to stay calm, keep her heartrate down, looking over to the previous spot, she knew it was a long shot but scooped a handful of icy mud rubbing it on her face, praying to mask her scent. If she lay low, maybe they would go by, they weren't super beings, they had to have the same range of eyesight as a regular person, maybe more advanced but if they thought she was a corpse maybe, maybe…Indra let her body go lax on the ground, taking small, hallowed breaths hearing the footsteps get closer. She couldn't slow her heart though, they were going to smell it, the fear, she tried to breathe in and out but those were getting more rushed as well. Indra was going to get eaten, her child not going to get to even have a chance in this world. Her panic built, and began to feel a recognizable sensation, the same one she had in Alexandria. And before she could decide if it was a blessing or not, her body shut down as she lost consciousness.

She came to, still here amazingly, only to feel something being shoved onto her head. These couldn't be the hands of the undead they were too sure, they weren't trying to tear off skin but taking away her senses. Indra began to kick out, scratching the skin that was exposed.

"Hey, hey I'm trying to help you here. You're half frozen."

It was then she put together that what he placed on her head was a toboggan.

"Please, please I can't. I can't go through it again."

"I'm not going to hurt you. I'm going to take you back to my group, okay? Just trust me."

How was she supposed to trust somebody that she couldn't even see? The moon had left, the world pitch black as she tried to adjust her eyes. Oh, God, she was being carried off by a man she couldn't put a face to, someone who could be worse than those monsters that had passed.

"I'll admit, when I stumbled on you, I thought you were dead. But then you were groaning and I thought you were a walker. So yeah, when you didn't make a lunge with your teeth, I checked for a pulse. Why're you covered in mud by the way? Did you come from the woods?"

Indra shook her head in his arms. "No, I thought, those things, the walkers, I couldn't fight them so I thought the mud would mask me."

"I'm not sure that would work or not, but that's smart. Gotta ask why you're out here at night by yourself though."

"Why?"

The man chuckled, it wasn't a bad sound. "For one, I want to keep you conscious, being out here for too long you may have hypothermia, and it's no good to be asleep with that. Second, I'm trying to be cordial, helping a damsel in distress, taking her back home with me. Can't I at least know a little about you?"

"I was running away."

"What were you running away from?"

"A cage, a war, a lot of things."

"And where are you going?"

She paused, licking her frozen lips. "I wanted, I wanted to see someone. I was trying to get to a town called the Hilltop."

The man's pace slowed before going back to normal. "You're Indra, aren't you?"

She froze. "Yes."

"We've been waiting for you, well, hoping to see you, I guess."

Indra tried to look up at the man's face still overshadowed by the night sky. "And who are you?"

She was able to make out the teeth of his smile. "All of my friends call me Jesus."

Her heart leapt as she looked upwards. Oh, God. Does this mean she's dead? Was she actually eaten when she had passed out? When Jesus finds you that usually means you're not of the world any longer. But she could still feel the cold, the pangs in her stomach; if you were she was dead he was taking her to Hilltop. Maybe it was a last request or something, it was where she wanted to go.

"I am sorry for what I did. Please, can't I…this isn't how I wanted to die."

"Die? I told you I'm trying to keep you alive."

"Oh, right, because Jesus shows up to help people with their travels."

"I believe that's St. Christopher that does that."

She could hear the humor in his voice. "I'm really not in the mood for this, am I dead or not? Am I dying?"

"I don't think you're either."

"Thank, God."

"Or me, right?"

"You're not funny."

"But I think I am, once your warmed and fed your views on my hilarity may change. Paul, my real name's Paul."

"Would you be offended to be called that?"

"Not really, it is my name."

"Good, because if I called someone Jesus my grandmother would come back and kill me."

"Noted."

Indra didn't think he was as funny as he thought he was, but once she had cleaned up and drained a steaming bowl of broth she could see him much more clearly. Her breath catching at the sight of not only the baby blues but the rest of him.

"I see how that nickname came in now. Though I don't think Jesus was an extra in the Matrix."

He adjusted his coat before feigning indignant. "He wore long robes and was a badass, that's all you need to worry about."

Her body felt like liquid on the cot, head floating, it wasn't an unpleasant feeling. "You said you had been waiting for me. Is he here? Can I talk to him?"

Paul smiled. "Daryl will be back in the morning. He's...that's why he's out he makes sure the area's clear of threats but more or less he's looking for you."

 _Of course he was._

"I know I can't stay here, I just want to see him. To let him know that I see now."

His brow crinkled. "Why can't you stay?"

"I know what's happening, it's not going to end well, when I saw that man…he's lost too much and he's not going to lose more. Negan…"

His name hurt to say, swallowing a lump before continuing. "He's not going to stop, but I can't help you, I can't kill them, any of them. I know what they did was horrible, that their views are distorted and wrong. But they were my people once, they took me in, cared for me when no one did, and though I don't want to live in a tower anymore. I can't fight against them, others, ones that I know will be a threat to you sooner or later, yeah, I'll do whatever it takes to take them out. But I can't do it with the Saviors."

Paul pursed his lips in thought. "Who says we were expecting you to?"

Indra rolled her head on the pillow. "Really? You're just going to let me stay in your community while not contributing to the effort? For only agreeing, and nodding along but taking no real action to stop it? I don't believe that."

He patted her knee. "Maybe you will someday. But, I, myself would like you to stay."

Sitting up, the world going blurry for a second as she did. "How can you even trust me? You don't…you don't know me. And besides that, I know I'm only a cog, but they're going to come looking for me. Don't you think they'll retaliate if I'm sitting on your front steps?"

"Maybe, and maybe we'll have to hide you out for a time. But all this is easily rectifiable. We'll sort it all out. You'll see."

"I'm skeptical, but thank you, Paul."

He smiled, his eyes coming to life. "You're welcome. Get some rest, Indra. You and your baby are fine, and you'll have people to meet tomorrow."

"Oh, boy."

"Exactly."

She snorted as Paul douse out the lamp, lying on her side as she drifted away. When light came through the windows, she tried to pull herself up from bed, but her legs began to protest.

"You shouldn't do that, we can get you a wheelchair."

"Carl?"

The young man gave a timid smile, a girl his age stepping in front of him with a tray. "We brought you breakfast."

"You didn't have to do that."

The girl smiled. "But we wanted to. I'm Enid, by the way, everyone's anxious to meet you."

I'm sure they are.

"I'm pretty anxious about it as well."

"Don't be, not to be funny, but we don't bite."

Indra held onto the bed frame as you stood. "Um, is Daryl here?"

Carl adjusted his hat. "Not yet, but they should be back anytime now."

"Are they both all right? From the last time I saw them, I mean."

"Yeah, Daryl's been doing a lot better, less talkative, but maybe with you here you know he'll come back around. And dad's, he's getting like his old self since coming here."

"And you and your sister?"

He smiled. "We're both fine. She's still in Alexandria, but we'll be going back soon."

She nodded, trying to make her way to the door with them close by. "We can get you a chair."

"No, I need to do this on my own."

"Here, we'll take your tray and we'll all eat outside together."

"Thank you, Enid."

Carl had taken her arm, helping to keep her balanced as she wobbled like a newborn deer out of the infirmary. The first thing she took in was how much fresher the air smelt, the sky blue and open over head with people bustling around trying to get to their tasks for the day. She looked at the wooden posts surrounding the little town, cradling everyone in like a nest.

"It's beautiful."

She almost fell going down the stairs, Carl gripping her tightly to prevent the spill. "I think you have some issues with stairs."

Indra piped out a laugh. "Yeah, I think you're right."

She saw a woman in her age range approaching. Her quick and sure stance, prickling Indra, her hazel eyes were a determined gaze trained on her as she went to straighten yourself.

"Why are you letting her out of bed?"

Indra flushed. Maybe Paul was wrong, by the clipped tone, and demeanor, maybe she was perceived as a threat by some. She couldn't blame them, but the brush off at being outcast and not having the question directed at her stung.

"She didn't want to Maggie, shouldn't she be allowed to see the grounds?"

"Carson was going to do an ultrasound on her this morning. If anything in her is distressed she needs to stay in bed."

 _Carson?_

"Yeah, cause you know how to take that advice."

Her glare was deadly, and Carl backed down. She shook her head at him, exasperated, before her eyes returned to Indra. "I hope you're doing, okay. Jesus said you were in stable condition when he left last night."

"Yes, thank you, just still tired I suppose. My body isn't used to that kind of exertion yet."

"I understand it took me a while to build up the stamina. It may take you a little longer, with health, and our common conditions you may want to take it easy for a while."

"Common conditions?"

Indra was puzzled, but the pensive smile that came across the woman's face told her the answer.

"You're pregnant too?"

She nodded. "Yeah, we might be in the same time frame as well, though it was hard going in the beginning, I'm getting better, but the strain of everything made it take longer. That's why I'm suggesting you take it slow, though you may not have a choice when Daryl comes back."

"Oh?"

"He's rather protective of you, when he explained everything to us, that he was going to wait for you. We were all a bit hesitant, wary at first, but anyone that can capture the heart of Daryl Dixon, hell if that person isn't worthy of a chance then I don't know who is."

Indra became overcome with gratitude, astonishment, and she couldn't think of what to say. Only able to whisper a 'thank you' to the woman.

"It's no problem, Indra, you're one of us now. I'm Maggie by the way, Maggie Rhee. Here, a welcoming present."

Taking Maggie's hand, the young woman placed a small apple in her palm. Indra smiled, taking a bite of it. The sweet, crispness coating her tongue, her stomach grumbled, salt - salt and vinegar would taste so good with this.

"Thank you, Maggie. I don't know how much Paul had said, about everything that would be happening about me…"

"We understand, we'll find you a place."

She nodded, taking another bite of apple though the sweetness was making her nauseous.

"I know that look, maybe we can go sit down so your stomach can settle. Come along, kids."

"Shut up, Maggie."

She smiled, they were a family able to banter and come together. Sitting down under a tree, she sighed as the cool wind came. The tree itself was gargantuan tower over the fence itself. Its branches were bare but Indra could feel it sizzling with life.

"Toast?"

Shesmiled, taking the offered food from Enid. "This is nice."

"It is."

She looked over to Maggie whose mouth was full of apple.

"Maggie!"

Indra hoped she wouldn't have to stand up yet. But Maggie did, standing and going to the other side of the tree. She let yourself lean back, listening to Carl and Enid chatter as they ate their meal.

"Indra?"

At the familiar voice her eyes snapped open. And she went to stand.

"Daryl."

He looked so much better - his skin less pallid, his eyes had a shine to them. He was cleaned up, out of that damn track suit and in jeans and a button-up shirt. He reached for her, helping her up as she was pulled into his arms.

"I knew you'd get here, Finch."

She choked out a strangled laugh, letting herself be burrowed into him. This is safety, this was comfort, this was the man that set her free.

Negan was beside himself, three days; he had searches day and night for three whole fucking days. Nothing. There was no sign of her, nothing to give way of where she was, where she went, if she was safe or hurt, if sick and needed help, if she had been abducted and was at risk - nothing. He wanted to take Lucille and beat every fucking guard who was on duty that night, but he needed them, if there was hope Indra was alive out there he needed every man he had out there looking. He didn't care what it took, he'd find her. Running a hand through his hair he went into the last place he knew she was – her old bedroom. He had visited the area many times since she went missing, each time hoping to find something that would let him know where she was. Each time he had come up empty. The room itself was bare, a few knick-knacks and clothes still waiting to be brought to his room.

 _What the hell happened?_

He had no idea, only knowing he was going to do whatever it took to get her back safe. Unlike before he took the time to lie in the bed, trying to figure out what the fuck was going through her head during that time. As he settled in he felt a dip in the flooring. He jostled the bed feeling the creaking underneath him. He turned over and looked at the space, a loose floorboard. Jumping up he ripped the wood loose, finding an envelope inside. Tearing it open he was welcomed with your familiar handwriting.

 _Dear Negan,_

 _If you're reading this, then I believe it's obvious you've found my hiding place, and found me gone. I'm so sorry for any hurt you may be going through right now, but I know it will lessen. I had to write this, I had to let you know that I do love you, a part of me always will. You gave me warmth and protection, a feeling of safety I hadn't felt in a long time. But you also blinded me, blinded me from the outside and from you. What I saw that day, it wasn't the you I have gotten to know, maybe on some level I knew, yes, I already knew you halved yourself for me, giving me a different piece of you. But I can't love part of a person. Negan, thank you, but what you gave me was a gilded cage whereas, he, he gave me wings to fly."_

Negan roared, tearing the bed frame apart, and throwing the dresser across the room. Yes, he was furious. But not with Indra. Never with her. So she was a bird now, was she? Well shit, you didn't get mad at the bird for following its instincts and flying away, you get mad at the stupid fucker who came in and opened the cage.


	10. The Heart that is Mine to See

**[Sorry to Guest for being so confusing, I guess I should've put a headed when I posted but I wanted two different endings one where Indra leaves for Daryl the other where she stays with Negan. But this is the other ending. My original with Daryl is chapter 9, sorry again and to anyone else who became confused.]**

"… _**there is a difference between being bad and being evil. Just because he was a very bad boy, that doesn´t mean he couldn´t be a truly great man."**_  
 _ **― T. M. Frazier**_

Indra huffed, exerting herself as she pried open the last window. It was too beautiful a day with the autumn air to waste. But her husband had stated she was under 'house arrest.'

 _Sure, honey, you tell yourself that._

She had gotten much more independent during the last several months, her ever growing belly signaling that someone would be dependent on her soon. That's why she had stayed, well, stayed and left. She wasn't blind anymore. It was war out there, everywhere, and she wasn't going to be in the middle of it. Indra would fight, but knew that she had to pick her battles. And Alexandria wasn't going to back down. And with time, as she had mourned Daryl's departure and moving her things to Negan's room she had begun to observe with new sight. There had always been a sharp glint to many of the eyes of the Sanctuary, but she began seeing something more – the hostility, the resentment, it was like the man's eyes in Alexandria, Rick's. Indra knew with the upcoming bloodshed that some would change sides, some would betray, and she was done.

She had set herself down in their room and awaited him, hand rubbing the slight bump that had begun to show. He had looked at her, the determination in her eyes, and knew it was a fight he was going to lose. He was a stubborn man, and he did argue, just as she knew he would. Saying how he wasn't afraid, how he'd defend what was his, that he wasn't some pussy to turn his tail and run. Then came her rebuttal that no matter what he decided to do - though she wanted him to come with her – she was leaving. His face had slackened like a snowman on a hot day. With that Indra had been victorious. And with careful planning, Negan pretty much threw Simon the reins, telling them to do what the fuck they wanted with the place.

Then came the actual travel, she tried not to complain and it wasn't much she minded: the billowing air and scenery trailing ahead. But the bumpy road and her stomach had other plans, not keeping anything down as you heaved whatever had been taken in. Usually resulting in Negan pulling over and making them both bunk down for the day. Yes, what should have taken a week on the road took nearly three, heading north, far enough away where no one had heard of his name or actions. Somewhere to start over again. It wasn't hard, staying in an old colonial they were approached by a couple from Philadelphia – the city of liberty, saying they had a community there: electricity, water, crops, schooling, and medical care. Though Negan was a bit distrustful he wasn't opposed to seeing the town. And oddly enough they weren't opposed to Lucille, expressing, that even though the town had grown it still could use more bulk on security and defense it required.

Negan didn't club anyone, and neither of you were chased out with pitchforks, but given a nice two story home. It wasn't a suburb like Alexandria, but it was close enough to town to walk to, it was mind-boggling, the community set up as an actual town. In parts it reminded her of the Sanctuary, if you supplied services then you would be supplied with whatever you needed. The town and its people took care of one another. But it was nice to pretend to go to a butcher and get her meat, go through racks of clothes as if she were shopping, such a task before too mundane to even get up for had now become thrilling.

Everyone was friendly and the two of them seemed to blend in well. Negan had taken time to adjust being a regular civilian, a far collapse from up on the ladder of being the leader. But he, like so many things, he had taken it in stride. He had become something of the town sheriff, happy he could carry Lucille around, the kids in the neighborhood staring in awe by such a thing. That was something she loved to see, those interactions with the children. Him forgetting to watch his language and slipping, the curse making the group of them giggle into their palms. He'd let a few of them hold onto the bat, giving it a light swing with his assistance, but she pointed out maybe their parents wouldn't take so kindly that their little ones were handling such a bulky and dangerous weapon.

It was good here, the adjustment to it so easily made. But sometimes she'd have small bouts of sadness. Like today, looking out the window it made her sad, sad of how little you thought of him now. The man that had opened her eyes, made her want to be stronger. Now he only entered her mind when the birds gathered, coming for a nibble of what she'd throw. Every time she spotted a finch she'd ask it to tell Daryl thank you. But Daryl had his family, had people to lift him up in this world, and support him. But all Negan had was her, and Indra knew that feeling, to be so isolated, so alone. And knew it was what she needed – to be truly needed as well as needing him in return. She thought about it sometimes, if she had left the Sanctuary and searched for Hilltop. But then Negan would begin rubbing her belly, little feet pattering against his hand as a smile erupted across his face, his eyes turning to hers in stunned delight that she couldn't help smile in return. No matter what, this was his child, and this was her family, where she belonged.

But it didn't mean he wasn't overbearing at times, like forbidding her from leaving the house. Saying how the stress of walking too far would harm her and the baby. Indra scoffed. She could leave the house if she wanted to, but between the bouts of 'nesting' a term she had cackled at, her child getting her attention from their continuous kicks – something she smiled about, not even born and the baby was as attention seeking as his father, the backaches, the constant need to pee, she was just too exhausted to want to.

Indra had finished rearranging the living room, and scrubbing down the kitchen. Wiping off the suds from the sink she made herself some tea and took it to the porch swing out front. She sipped from the mug, knowing to anyone else's taste buds it'd be too sweet. She craved anything sweet, more accurately junk food and it drove Negan crazy. Nothing else tasted right to her, but he'd still try to push veggies on her like drugs which would end up pushed to the side, much to his chagrin.

"You know, dear husband, one would think you're worried about me getting fat."

Her tone had stayed neutral, but he knew her swings and didn't take the bait.

"I don't give too fucks what you weigh, Indra, but you keep eating all that shit, you're going to get that gestational diabetes then it's going to lead to pre-eclampsia , which will be bad for your fucking lungs and end up with you requiring a fucking C-section. How the hell you think that's going go?"

For that moment she hated him getting all those baby books, hating the fact that he had actually read the things. But she shut up, shoving the tasteless bits he forked onto her plate down her throat.

Indra's head fell back on the wooden headrest, the motion of the swing feeling good on her weighted body. Lately she had begun to feel heavier, like a rock had been dropped to the bottom of her gut. The doctor had stated this was normal, that the baby was moving downward, getting ready for its descent into the world. Lightening he called it, there was nothing light in the feeling she had, though the doctor had been right about her breathing getting better from it. A few more weeks now, and Indra was glad for it. She rubbed her swollen abdomen and as if feeling one of its parent's presence came to bleat the familiar thud in greeting.

"And how are my two girls doing today?"

Negan had made up his mind that the baby was going to be a girl, as she knew he would, a little girl to be called Lucille for him, a little girl with the middle name Lucinda for her grandmother. But though she had taught her to interpret craving for the gender Indra wasn't so sure if there was a sugar, spice and everything nice residing inside her. Especially since the ultrasound had stayed inconclusive.

"Tired, grumpy."

He cocked a brow at that, good humor in his eyes as he climbed the steps.

"And what can I do to ease it for you?"

 _Get rid of the pangs of nausea, the way I can barely fit my shoes anymore, shave my legs for me, and stop my back from chewing on itself._

The list could go on, but she didn't say anything only shook her head. Complaining didn't get anywhere, and technically it wasn't his fault. Maybe half.

"How about I fix us some dinner and I'll rub you down?"

Indra crooked a smile at him. "I got dinner in the oven, but I'll take advantage of those hands if you're offering."

He waggled his eyebrows, making her blush as he helped her to stand, a long grunt coming out from the effort. She could sense his concern as he stroked her shoulders leaning in to kiss the stubble starting to prickle up on his jaw. As soon as he opened the door she stepped away, waddling towards the kitchen to avoid what she knew was coming and getting out of the line of fire.

"What the hell is this, Indra? You're supposed to be fucking resting!"

It was funny how not too long ago the raised octaves would send her cowering, but now she only shrugged.

"I did, and then I got bored, came downstairs and saw all the dust."

"There isn't any fucking dust! Why would you have to move the couch if you were going to dust any damn ways?"

"Dust get under furniture too, dear."

The playful tone had him spinning on her. "You're doing way too fucking much."

"Look at me, I'm fine, Negan."

He took her face in his hands, the rough callouses like gossamer. "I know, but I don't want you fine just today. I want you to be fine tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after fucking that until we're both too old to give a shit."

She put her hands over his. "I want that too, Negan, but like I've said, you can't expect to sit around all day. Soon there won't be any sitting for a long while, I'm going to be fine, the baby will be fine, and you'll be fine. But you're going to have to get used to this."

"Fine, but it doesn't mean you can't wait til I'm home to help you move shit."

"I'll agree with that, except my back would keep on hurting anyways."

He sunk down to his knees. "Are you giving mommy trouble? You got to quit that girly, she's going to be too damn good to you. I'm the one that'll be bashing heads in when the boys start looking at you."

"Negan…"

He looked up at her, planting a kiss on her stomach before kissing her. "Come on, sunshine, let's get you eat so we can work on getting you some rest."

Indra groaned but let him lead the way.

She thought the baby kicking was what woke her then felt the wetness underneath. She flushed, was it normal to pee the bed, during the last trimester? Then her breath caught as pain washed over, sitting up, gritting her teeth.

"Negan? NEGAN!"

The pain heightened, and she breathed as deep as she could, panting shallow breaths out. Her husband jerked awake beside her, bleary eyed before seeing her in such discomfort. He snapped up then, leaning over to her side.

"Indra, what's wrong? Come on, darlin', you got to tell me something."

She inhaled deeply, letting the pain ebb off. "It's too much, it's not like before, I don't know, Negan it hurts."

"Are you contracting, sunshine?"

She nodded, hurriedly as she doubled back over as another wave hit. She cried out, her husband throwing on his pants before rushing to her, picking her up in his arms.

"We're going, darlin'. It's going to be okay."

She nodded against him, as he hurried her out the door, and though she wanted to ask for a change of clothes, say that it'd be quicker to walk than to take the car, there was no use to it. Every effort was spent on receding the pain, her eyes squeezed shut mouth gaped open as she rocked herself.

"Oh, God!"

"Indra?"

"I'm okay, just get us down there, honey."

The nurses on shift didn't look too stunned to see her being carried in as one helped to strip off her wet gown and placing one of the old hospital ones over her head. She was able to take in that it had rocket ships on it before she choked out another scream.

"Can't you give her something for the fucking pain?"

The woman didn't flinch. "Even if we had the supplies, she's past the point where we could give her one."

Her chest rose and fell rapidly. "I'll be fine. I just want to push."

The nurse checked her, before patting your knee. "Oh, I'll think you'll be able to very soon, I don't think we'll even have to bring the doctor back down here before that time."

"What, she's going to have to give birth without a damn doctor?"

The nurse smiled. "Don't worry her body knows what to do, we're up to date on her condition and we're trained for it. How about you sit with her, keep her calm."

Indra felt him shift behind her, feeling his face in her hair as her head lolled back. The pain gone for the moment.

"You ready to be a daddy?"

She smiled at the nervousness she saw. "As I'll ever be."

Indra let her forehead rest on his cheek, but then she felt another need to push as she tried to sit up. The nurse came back over and checked her under the gown.

"Oh, yeah, you're already there. Come on, daddy you're going to have to help keep her leg up. Here like this."

She pushed back her leg, the angle spreading her making her lean on her elbows.

"If you wanted to, you can feel the baby's head crowning."

She nodded, letting the nurse take her hand though she knew where the baby was emerging. She could feel sparse hairs on the head, and felt the need to cry.

"You can too, daddy."

She shook your head. "I don't know, it's already bad enough he's looking."

"I hate to break it to you, sunshine, but I already know what it looks like down there, hell I've been down there more times than I can –"

"Oh, you can shut the hell up!"

Smug fucker, she wanted to break every bone in that face right then. But then felt the need to push came again, and settled on bearing down.

"Okay, I think one more will do it!"

Indra was drained out, sweat covering every bit of her, the light becoming too hazy and she just wanted to sleep.

"Come on, sunshine."

"Please, I can't."

"You can!"

She twitched. "Don't yell at me!"

He gave a waving gesture. "That's it, get that fire up, damn it, you push goddamn it!"

"I am and when I'm done I'm beating the shit out of you!"

"Fine by me, darlin'."

She inhaled, head back twisting her gut as she pushed with the last of her strength. She could feel a weight lifted, before a wail was heard. The nurse holding the baby up to her.

"It's a boy!"

Indra gave a tired smile, looking to her husband. Negan was staring at the baby, stupefied, as the tiny body was laid under her gown and on her chest. The little wails dwindled, tiny fists pumping as her heartbeat soothed him.

"I'm sorry it's not a girl."

"He's so tiny."

"He is. But he'll grow as big as you soon enough."

"C-can I hold him?"

Indra gave a sarcastic smile. "Can you hold your son? No, you may not."

He snorted at her, taking the blanket the nurse offered before delicately picking up their son. The same awe on his face.

"Hey little man, I'm your daddy. I know I'm an ugly son of a bitch, but I'm going to keep you and your momma here safe and happy, you hear me?"

He pulled the small bundle up to him, giving a light kiss to the baby's forehead. She couldn't help the flutter in her chest from that sight. But her son had other ideas as his face scrunched back up, a cry emitting.

"Hey now. I got you, daddy's got you."

Negan began to rock him, calming the wails. "He has your eyes, sunshine. I was hoping for that."

"He does?"

She hadn't worried about it until then. Who the baby would look like, but as Negan turned him to her an exhalation of seeing the shape and color of her eyes on her child's face made a tear slip out. She sniffled.

"You know, I was prepared for this. But – Lucille means light, and I thought if it was a boy maybe we'd name him Lucien as it means light too. We could call him Luce for short."

"So no Negan Jr., huh?"

"Maybe next time."

His smile widened. "Next time? Luce? Hmmm…what do you think of that, son? I kind of like it. You're a light all right, just like your mom."

More tears leaked from her, and she felt Negan's hand brush her cheek.

"What's wrong, darlin'?"

"Nothing, I'm just so happy. Aren't you?"

He looked between their son and her before grinning again. "I'm the happiest man in the whole fucking world, sunshine."


End file.
